I want to have some thoughts to share, but I'm afraid I've pretty much switched off. I had a pretty big exam last Friday, which in retrospect wasn't that big after all. I wish I had gotten so worked up over exams and essays in college, I would have graduated with a 4.0. Instead, I didn't take anything seriously, as it never really mattered. At the very least, I would have come up with something more interesting to show for four years. After I passed my exam on Friday, I was on cloud nine. I had not only passed it, I killed it. I was on my way home, waiting for my train at the Hoboken station and in the bathroom I came across this little old lady washing her hair in the sink. Her back had hunched over so much that she could no longer lift her head up and was forced to keep her chin pressed to her chest. I felt horrible. There I was elated about a stupid, ultimately insignificant exam when people all around me are suffering. I am healthy, happy; I have a solid family, despite their insanity, and so much more. And I was worried about a stupid test. I know this sort of thinking doesn't really achieve much but I felt like a right ass for putting so much emphasis on something pretty stupid. What's more, I have another exam this Saturday and another in two weeks from then and I will only get through them if I stress about them.
My parents haven't told anyone about the ape because we're not officially engaged. It's not okay for their daughter to have a 'boyfriend' and so as far as anyone else is concerned, I'm single. As a result, I keep getting hints about men I should meet. Arranged marriage is very much a part of my culture and I have mixed feelings about it. If I was single, I'd probably be open to being introduced to someone because I can't be arsed to date. When I was younger, I had the fairly typical rejection of the prospect, but I've since realized that it has its merits. You enter an arranged marriage with less expectations than you would if you were in love, and thus are less likely to be disappointed, and more likely to be amenable. I'm the first one to say that no one should lower expectations, but I think this is different. In an arranged situation, you both have high expectations for happiness but less of a mold you expect the other to fill and thus are more willing to go further to build a stable family. That's what marriage is, to me anyway. It's not about pride and expectations of the other. My parents met in college and had what everyone calls a 'love marriage' and have had their share of hell when I was younger. They've since grown out of it and, despite the random arguments, they get along fairly well now. Many of my friends' parents have had arranged marriages and none of them can recall the tumult that I experienced while growing up.
Still, it's irritating that my parents don't properly acknowledge the ape. They ask about him all the time but when I mention he wants to come visit and meet them, they want the whole traditional package with his parents coming as well and 'asking' for me. Bah.
I didn't have anything interesting to write for this post, I wrote though. Sometimes that's all I can ask. Or maybe I should have just stayed quiet as I had nothing useful to say. Stay quiet. Right.
Enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday!
