A 'deep' one

There have been a few sudden deaths in the recent weeks. Well more than a few, I imagine, but I'm talking about the people in my life. Completely unexpected endings -- brain cancer, car accident, and simply not waking up. Now if I explained who these people were, it doesn't do justice to my relationship with any of them. Who I consider 'family' is not necessarily related by blood and while I wasn't directly related to these people, they are deeply missed. Mira's aunt was diagnosed with brain cancer a few weeks back. She went to the doctor because she was having bizarre episodes of memory loss and was told that the cancer had progressed too far to do anything and she would have 72 hours at most. Well, after few steroid treatments and three weeks of watching her painful deterioration, she passed. During those weeks, she lapsed into coma-like states to waken and talk about meeting with relatives who had already died and who 'weren't letting her come'. Then she spent days crying, begging everyone for forgiveness, for not being a good mother, wife, daughter, sister. Finally at peace, surrounded by prayers and love, she left. I have never imagined coming to terms with my own mortality in such a tangible way. What a brave, powerful woman. Salaam khala.

I don't have the courage to think of what I'll say to my Creator when he asks me about my choices. There is so much I could have done and didn't, so much I shouldn't have done and did. When it comes down to it, my everyday decisions define my life in the larger sense. Whether I wake up to pray or sleep the extra forty minutes; whether I appreciate what I have or moan about nonsense. There's nothing to say that tomorrow won't be the last and I am absolutely not ready for that. I know you can never be totally ready for death, but I want to be at peace with what I've done, how I've dealt with whomever I've met. If I did myself justice, I suppose. That certainly isn't the case. I've made a few resolutions on here, I know, but I suppose that's the point of the blog. What a stupid word - blog. If it was called anything else I may have a bit more respect for it. This isn't about a newfound fear or something, it's more along the lines of thinking independently, not worried about what others think while respecting their boundaries. It's about keeping a sense of the world around me and maintaining myself within it. Something about leaving a place better than when I found it.

This is all a bit heavy, and probably a little melodramatic. But really, any day could be the last and then what?