blur

Sometimes the days just go by in a whirlwind, a combination of colors and sounds and smells that together create this onslaught that, at times, overwhelms the mind and results in what can only be described as the sensory system 'shutting off'. The processing slows and it takes a heroic effort even to perform the most mundane functions that require some response to immediate environmental signals. The weeks and months and years of self-motivation and what can only be described as clarity of movement seem like they belong to an entirely different dimension now. The 'switching off' isn't necessarily spontaneous, and is likely to be somewhere between the conscioius and sub-conscious realm where the interaction of emotion and mental computation result in the decision to limit intake in order to implement quality control on the product. It is difficult to understand this transition as a decision because it is not rational. Why would I want to limit myself? This leans towards the assumption that this process, though not instantaneous, is undetectable and is only recognized in its final stages.

I am finding myself in this hole where I look at everything around me and no longer see anything. I'm just looking. This realization alone is enough to entrench the 'switching off' and so I need to make a conscious effort to recover lost ground. The whole point is to move forward, to see things I missed the first time around and go from there. The problem with this situation is that if I focus on it, it is even more difficult to resulve. There has to be something of a natural quality to the progress, so much that once begun, it is difficult to derail.

I'm done moaning, I need to get on with my day. This is incredibly depressing and it has to be fixed. I need to just do it and get on with the journey. Ape is coming in April to meet my parents and do all of that. Should be interesting.