chatter

Since I decided to be 'positive' I haven't had much to say. That says a lot in itself, eh? I've started reading the esteemed Wall Street Journal on my way in to work, to fit in with all the other boring bankers and brokers who share the train platform during the wee hours of the morning with me. It's not the best writing I've come across, I must say. Work is going pretty well, aside from the incident on Friday evening when three of the dumbest people I've ever encountered ganged up on me spouting things like "Would you ever die for your religion?" and, my personal favourite: "I thought you were a normal Italian girl when I met you, I never would have guessed you were Muslim." There was a bit of "The Qur'an says that you have to kill all Jews!", and of course the classic "Muslims hate Jews." I find myself mentioning my faith on here a lot, and at times it may seem I have a chip on my shoulder or something. Well, I get that impression from myself. I don't feel that way at all. In fact, I think faith is an intensely pesonal experience and don't particularly like talking to others about it, unless of course I sense that an interesting conversation or some new knowledge is just around the corner. However, I don't mind offering an odd bit of explanation to clarify a misconception. I hope I don't approach it in a defensive manner, moreso like the simple information that it is. I actually like to fan out some of my thoughts on here as this tends to be on of my few outlets. I hope you don't mind. You can understand why getting into an argument with a bunch of morons like those mentioned above is such a disconcerting experience. I wasn't arguing, though I enjoyed making them dizzy with circles of logic. The absurdity of the scene becomes especially clear when I describe the characters. One was a disabled Black man, an Italian and a Russian Jew. The first complains constantly of discrimination, demands everyone call him African American and tried to tell my why Al Sharpton is such a good guy. The Italian gets annoyed when people associate him with the mafia. And the Russian Jew is the one who asked me if Muslim and Islam are the same thing. I should elaborate.

Actually, I've decided to sod describing them because I was enjoying it a bit too much. And I shouldn't take such glee in illustrating the faults of others. Have enough to worry about myself. Like that lovely piece of upside down cake I was unable to resist tonight. Let's talk about that. Actually, let's not and let it manifest itself in the extra bit of pudge that makes my stomach that much softer. I can feel it now.

Early this week was utterly beautiful, signs of warmth were all around. Hopes were high for the onset of spring, only to be drowned in the sleet, rain and snow that covered everything the following evening. It's like a cruel game. I'm going to start running and running as soon as it's warm enough not to freeze the inside of my nose. That's a promise. But I'll stop if my knees hurt.

This is nonsense, but it is written nonsense and sometimes this is all there is, my friends. I'll be happy if you have any suggestions on writing topics. No political commentary to offer. Kyrgyzstan has new leadership. I love how every newspaper article or radio commentary begins with: "The Central Asian nation of.. ". I mean, if someone said Kyrgyzstan do you, if they could say it at all, you'd have an idea of where on the map to put your finger. Not knowing the capital is Bishkek is understandable for someone who didn't have Ferdinand as a father. Ferdinand used to quiz us on countries' capitals on a regular basis. This isn't why I remember, however. When I interned at the State Dept, I would be amused for hours by reading the daily wires that came in from all the embassies around the world. They were each titled by the capital city in which they were hosted and it was pretty cool to read developments as they were reported to Secretary Powell. That was pretty wicked, actually.

Bloody hell, I didn't say anything about Amina Wadud. This whole process is so exciting. Finally, steps are being taken to separate the historical context from the actual tenets of the faith and things will start moving forward. God willing.

double negative

This blog will henceforth be an exercise in positivity. It's a bit ridiculous how angry I've been sounding, so depressed and self-pitying. Bah. I've always liked silver. No more bitterapple. I'll be a candied apple from now on. I wonder how long those keep.

Flying toasters.

Now this is just taking the piss. It's as fitting as Bush appointing Hitler as Ambassador to Israel. How is it possible that he continues to be so oblivious to the absurdities of his very existence? I can go on and on about the sheer idiocy of this man but I don't think anything I say could ever do him justice.

But of course, this is all cunningly strategic. It's just easier to take the piss out of this man than face the frightening fact of his brilliance. I just don't understand why I'm the only one pulling my hair out. Why is no one yelling and screaming? Everyday I hear something more obscene and outrageous than the day before, orchestrated by the Bush regime. What is wrong with people that they maintain their glassy stares while reading the 'news'? I catch headlines over people's shoulders on the train and wonder if they're just illiterate. They might as well be. What's wrong with me that I sit and moan about it yet don't do anything to cause change? Why don't I go into the foreign service, mesmerize my way to the top and make some lasting change? It's a Catch 22, as they say. I can't pledge my allegiance to a regime so heinous. If I ever saw Bush I don't know how I'd keep from spitting in his face. Such a vile creature. But you have to enter the system to cause change. Doesn't do much to keep beating a brick wall, need to go from the inside. I thought that was what democracy is. It is. So what does it mean for democracy when chronic election fraud is reported? When people are imprisoned without charge or trial? When private records are monitored by the government? When democratically elected leaders are overthrown? What breed of democracy is this? Is it so, that democracy is still evolving? Wasn't Fukuyama hailed as a genius when he said that we have reached 'The End of History'? That democracy is the final stage of political thought? Well I appreciate the offer, but this just isn't good enough.

blur

Sometimes the days just go by in a whirlwind, a combination of colors and sounds and smells that together create this onslaught that, at times, overwhelms the mind and results in what can only be described as the sensory system 'shutting off'. The processing slows and it takes a heroic effort even to perform the most mundane functions that require some response to immediate environmental signals. The weeks and months and years of self-motivation and what can only be described as clarity of movement seem like they belong to an entirely different dimension now. The 'switching off' isn't necessarily spontaneous, and is likely to be somewhere between the conscioius and sub-conscious realm where the interaction of emotion and mental computation result in the decision to limit intake in order to implement quality control on the product. It is difficult to understand this transition as a decision because it is not rational. Why would I want to limit myself? This leans towards the assumption that this process, though not instantaneous, is undetectable and is only recognized in its final stages.

I am finding myself in this hole where I look at everything around me and no longer see anything. I'm just looking. This realization alone is enough to entrench the 'switching off' and so I need to make a conscious effort to recover lost ground. The whole point is to move forward, to see things I missed the first time around and go from there. The problem with this situation is that if I focus on it, it is even more difficult to resulve. There has to be something of a natural quality to the progress, so much that once begun, it is difficult to derail.

I'm done moaning, I need to get on with my day. This is incredibly depressing and it has to be fixed. I need to just do it and get on with the journey. Ape is coming in April to meet my parents and do all of that. Should be interesting.

Just realized that it is fairly far into March and I haven't posted. And here it is.