double helix

So it's been awhile, and to be quite honest, not a lot has happened. It's my first time home before 7 due to the snowstorm that has graced this already cheerful Monday. All I have to say is that I have come across some ridiculous people. I work with this disabled black guy who always makes comments like "typical woman" or, "I know how you women think, all alike" and I'm just biting my tongue for now but I can't wait for the day I blurt out a suitable stereotype to shut him up. I can't believe I'm even blogging about him. I always catch myself thinking about the latest absurdity he graced me with and get annoyed for wasting my precious apple thoughts on him. Ugh. Anyhow, work is cheery.

I keep thinking about Bella's post on character flaws and try to analyse my own. But how do you do that? I mean really do that without justifying them. I think I'm arrogant ... well I know I am but I don't really do anything about it. I don't really want to as I spent a great deal of my adolesence thinking that I was always wrong and, as a result, was quite miserable because of it. Now I largely despise the people I used to admire when I was an idiot. Now I've learned that I do infinitely better when I have faith in myself, and I don't know how to do that outside of being an arrogant prick. I think my self-depreciating humor is a result of this guilt, trying to make myself feel bad for being good. Please explain that to me. Or tell me what I already know. Please indulge me.

This blog is an exercise in arrogance. I keep reading all these comments about blogs being self-indulgent and how this complaint is en vogue. I really want you people to tell me I'm right. How lame is that? I mean is there a worse form of insecurity and bullshit? If I can find such interesting and engaging characters as you all in this weird, twisted sense of community, why am I so retarded when it comes to real life? I met an inventor today and he was just hilarious and smart and I just wanted to go get a cup of coffee with him. I wanted to pick his brain apart. Nothing romatic, mind, he was Canadian. I don't drink coffee, I'm more of a tea person. English Breakfast, if you're asking. I want to be surrounded by people who are better than me but then I either end up feeling pretty shitty about myself or realise that I've set up a bunch of architecturally unsound pedestals and get bored and move on. So what to do? What am I really after? Do I want to feel good about myself or am I more comfortable being uncomfortable? What am I basing 'myself' on - what's the scale? What do I really value? What is intelligence? And where does it live? Isa is a smart cookie and a brilliant read, and she makes it all seem so easy. If you want more examples, go on and peruse down the blogs I've listed. Don't forget Goldfish who has most certainly been injected by something unearthly. Everyone there has displayed ingenuity, something I've come to crave. I hate stating the obvious so obviously.. I want to be so creative and witty. What a stupid complaint. Ugh is right.

Oh.. and what the hell is going on in Lebanon?