The End, now start over.

SO. The ape and I are over. I have to write about it because everyone I speak to tells me how great this is for me, that I seem happier.. lighter. Cheers guys. I know he wasn't a favorite, but he was a good guy. Well I loved him. Love him. There was a lot of misery. A lot. Even you guys know, sadly enough. I've been saying we will get married for years now, every year. Okay it didn't happen this year.. next year for sure. That kept us going for six years. SIX!!! I am now 26. Bloody hell. I missed 21, 22, 23, 24, 25. I was pretty miserable during the last. I was miserable when I was supposed to having the most fun of my life. Here's how it happened. No, sorry, you don't get the benefit of paragraphs. Pay attention. I had some training for work, where I - get this - made friends! I actually made friends! I wasn't miserable, I had lots of fun, lots of laughs. I realized, this is what life is supposed to be. Especially when you're in your mid twenties. So when training ended, I called him and told him it was over. I had done this before, told him I wanted to break up, but this time it was for real. Too much had gone by, I was angry about too much. If he wanted to marry me, I said, he would have by now. He had had six years! There was so much promise in the beginning, and still nothing had happened. I had done everything. I was making all the sacrifices. I got on the plane more often than he did, I went to Sydney for a 3 day trip when he was upset his grandmother died. I did everything. OH- you knew this was distance all along less a year, didn't you? I took a job I hated, because well, it was supposed to be temporary. You realize what a strain it is living a temporary life? Year after year goes by the way it isn't supposed to. Because it's supposed to get better, settling for now is okay. I waited and waited for things to get better. So I decided to call it off. He was upset, promised he was coming after me. He had let me down, he had failed me.. himself. He promised. He said this was the best thing because it relieved stress for him, and he would come for me. I said cool but this doesn't mean we are making promises, we are going to see what happens. I wouldn't admit it but I accepted a security blanket of sorts.. kind of like the one I took for 6 years. Knowing that I could do what I wanted but I wasn't single. But something happened. Last week we argued again and he didn't call or email. Until I emailed a meek 'How are you?' on Sunday. He responded with no more, this is over. And he's moved on. He's done. Today we spoke again and I was bawling, apologizing. Why? I had started this! He said I wasn't a good partner, I couldn't be his support structure. He couldn't be mine. We were too different, we both wanted to be on the podium. I am too talented to be his support, and he mine. Seriously. What does that mean? I knew that once he worked his shit out things would be great for us. We would have a beautiful life. We think the same, we laugh at the same things, we value the same things. Who on earth will be him for me? I can't believe it. I can't. I don't want to lose him, but I was so angry with him. First he agreed, begged for forgiveness. Now I am begging. Is it because it's over or because I genuinely want him. I can't be on my own, I'm fucked. What do I do now? Well right now I am going to eat some dinner and do some work. I will return, though. This entry sucks, good thing I am not looking for a book deal and have a day job. Which sucks but at least I can write.