The End, now start over.

SO. The ape and I are over. I have to write about it because everyone I speak to tells me how great this is for me, that I seem happier.. lighter. Cheers guys. I know he wasn't a favorite, but he was a good guy. Well I loved him. Love him. There was a lot of misery. A lot. Even you guys know, sadly enough. I've been saying we will get married for years now, every year. Okay it didn't happen this year.. next year for sure. That kept us going for six years. SIX!!! I am now 26. Bloody hell. I missed 21, 22, 23, 24, 25. I was pretty miserable during the last. I was miserable when I was supposed to having the most fun of my life. Here's how it happened. No, sorry, you don't get the benefit of paragraphs. Pay attention. I had some training for work, where I - get this - made friends! I actually made friends! I wasn't miserable, I had lots of fun, lots of laughs. I realized, this is what life is supposed to be. Especially when you're in your mid twenties. So when training ended, I called him and told him it was over. I had done this before, told him I wanted to break up, but this time it was for real. Too much had gone by, I was angry about too much. If he wanted to marry me, I said, he would have by now. He had had six years! There was so much promise in the beginning, and still nothing had happened. I had done everything. I was making all the sacrifices. I got on the plane more often than he did, I went to Sydney for a 3 day trip when he was upset his grandmother died. I did everything. OH- you knew this was distance all along less a year, didn't you? I took a job I hated, because well, it was supposed to be temporary. You realize what a strain it is living a temporary life? Year after year goes by the way it isn't supposed to. Because it's supposed to get better, settling for now is okay. I waited and waited for things to get better. So I decided to call it off. He was upset, promised he was coming after me. He had let me down, he had failed me.. himself. He promised. He said this was the best thing because it relieved stress for him, and he would come for me. I said cool but this doesn't mean we are making promises, we are going to see what happens. I wouldn't admit it but I accepted a security blanket of sorts.. kind of like the one I took for 6 years. Knowing that I could do what I wanted but I wasn't single. But something happened. Last week we argued again and he didn't call or email. Until I emailed a meek 'How are you?' on Sunday. He responded with no more, this is over. And he's moved on. He's done. Today we spoke again and I was bawling, apologizing. Why? I had started this! He said I wasn't a good partner, I couldn't be his support structure. He couldn't be mine. We were too different, we both wanted to be on the podium. I am too talented to be his support, and he mine. Seriously. What does that mean? I knew that once he worked his shit out things would be great for us. We would have a beautiful life. We think the same, we laugh at the same things, we value the same things. Who on earth will be him for me? I can't believe it. I can't. I don't want to lose him, but I was so angry with him. First he agreed, begged for forgiveness. Now I am begging. Is it because it's over or because I genuinely want him. I can't be on my own, I'm fucked. What do I do now? Well right now I am going to eat some dinner and do some work. I will return, though. This entry sucks, good thing I am not looking for a book deal and have a day job. Which sucks but at least I can write.

Pulse

Hello? Are you out there? Is this still cool? New Job, New Car, same old me. No wedding yet but ... this is the year. Really.

So, how have you been?

the scene is safe!

Still kicking. I recently took a CPR certification and have decided that I will only administer on close family and people I actually like. If I don't know you or know you a little bit and you are a tit, then peace out. Also, if I know you well and have taken you out for a night of debauchery with my friends and you have squabbled over the bill, don't come to me to breathe for you.

There is not much to rave or rant about these days, or maybe there is and I am just out of gas. Petrol. It is just too expensive. Not because of the price of oil, but the lives it has cost in the past, it is currently costing, and the innumerable deaths in the future. I have taken to our notoriously shoddy public transportation system. You know the one, where drawbridges get stuck and stop rail traffic in and out of Manhattan for up to five hours. Where it is either too hot or too cold and those sensitive switches decide to strike against working in uncomfortable conditions. Or how about the buses that decide to combust not so spontaneously? You have to recognize that it is a little planned, I mean when they are not maintained and the thermostat is over the red, you have to know that something is up.

I have been so bored with the internet. Shopping even, I realized that I was the one sending me all those little packages in the mail and it kind of lost its luster. Especially when I had a look at my credit card. I only got upset because I know that I am supposed to get upset at high numbers on my credit card statement. But really, who cares? I mean I know you have to pay for what you buy, but why give numbers, shapes fashioned by ink on a piece of dried wood pulp, so much meaning? You can't actually touch the numbers, only more wood pulp. I guess to take the pressure off of ourselves. Income, home value, net worth is a lot easier to build than yourself. What is money anyway, or even gold, for that matter? You take it out of the bank to give to people as gifts and shit, and you get gifts and shit and put it back in. Or in my case, spend it. But still, you get more shit. The point is that it just goes around in a circle and causes a series of events that also don't have any meaning in and of themselves. Giving gifts on birthdays, holidays. Expecting gifts on birthdays and holidays. I honestly love buying things for others much more than for myself, and not for occasions, but giving something to a person who really appreciates it is a great event. I want to buy it even though it is obscenely priced, but the resulting exchange would cause so much discomfort that I walk away empty handed. Mostly because you can never just give someone something because it is something you want them to have. There comes the whole coy game: No! You shouldn't have! But I wanted to. No! You shouldn't have! But I wanted to. etc. Then the little, flicker across their forehead that goes: Shit, now I have to get her something. Gifts are not really gifts, my dear friends. Nothing that comes wrapped in bullshit will ever be a true gift. So then, what is a true gift? There is always some level of self-interest or satisfaction to be had which classifies it a selfish act. Is there a such thing as a Good Man? Aristotle, care to weigh in on this? Crap, I wish I had never sold my freshman year humanities books. I don't know what I am talking about, I am probably going to disagree in the morning but who cares. It's my blog.

Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?

I am disappointed with the reaction to the Pope's speech last week. On the simplest level, the violent protests and the killing of the nun in Somalia would lead anyone to believe that there was truth to the reference. Obviously the remarks were incorrect, even if they were quoted, why would you quote ignorance? But why is there such a response? I understand that it is not in a vacuum, that it is part of this overwhelming sense that there is a crusade underway but ultimately, isn't the point of faith.. faith? Isn't this just another test, why is there so much insecurity.. why when we know the Truth and when we have faith and believe in the final judgement do we feel threatened? Why so violent in response, why not try to demonstrate the peace and tolerance and love or any of the 99 traits embodied by the Almighty? Why are we so easily shaken? I say we.. they. I'm not even suggesting forgiveness but why even acknowledge? End of the day, we are so busy destroying ourselves with corruption and cheating and lying nothing anyone says is going to make a difference. At the end of our lives we answer to the Almighty, that is the opportunity of our faith. When we say we believe, that is a lie when we also believe something can threaten the finality of that moment. I dont understand.


The reactions are predictable in the context of poverty and an extension of disrespect and a lack of opportunity. The remnants of colonialism. Religious fervor does not play a significant role, it is merely an avenue to vent other frustrations. Coupled with the lack of education opportunities to know more about their own faith, to deepen it by challenging it beyond their socio-political context.

Mango Acai Berry Green Tea

Good news everyone! Still alive and kicking. Is anyone out there? Hello? No? Okay, well that is allright I suppose. We all move onwards and upwards at some point in our lives. I have not yet had the good fortune of crossing said point but am comforted by the prospect. One of the coolest things I discovered in my house is this Apple Airport Express, it plugs into an outlet and relays my itunes playlist to a stereo. Endless entertainment. Despite having lived in this country for over twenty years, my father has a difficult time understanding myself and my siblings when we speak in our yankypranky accents. I often have to repeat what my seventeen year old sister says to him not in a different language but with an accent so he understands the english words. The comedy in this situation is in the fact that he understands ebonics better than anyone I know. One evening I was watching 'Malibu's Most Wanted' and my sister and I were trying to figure out what the main character said in one phrase only to be silenced by our father's explanation. He also understands what rappers say, no matter how fast they speak. This is a phenomenon that I will expand upon later. If only I was comfortable enough to post a picture of my father online you could appreciate the humor in its entirety.

I have watched three good friends get married this summer. Very odd to think my contemporaries are at this point but I might as well go along with it. Very interesting dynamics at all three weddings. The first consisted of about 20 people in a house on a rainy afternoon in Long Island. The second enormous and beautiful and high profile in Indiana. The third threatened by Ernesto in her back garden in Delaware. I learned a great deal about people I know and realized that not enough can be said about the idea and ideal of love.

On that note, tea is finished, I will write.

White Power

So here we are and Israel has the right to defend itself. I don't know what to do. I have been travelling and have only been able to follow it on the news and what I hear this morning is:
"A rocket fired into Lebanon hit an apartment building but remarkably, there was only one casualty."

You sick bastards, one life lost is a victory to you? That life had parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, children. I hate the American media with a passion and if they ever grew a conscience and offered a semblance of honesty, that will be a beautiful day for this country. As long as they continue to be their simplistic, fear mongering selves they will continue to be utterly useless and detrimental members of society. Drug dealers are a greater benefit to our social structure than the US media. FOX and CNN in particular.

More to come, hopefully in less than four months.

peace please

Hello,

I'm still around. Been running like a madwoman, a lot fitter and work is totally different. No longer dealing with untrained monkeys, rather, they're in pre-school now. Planning a September wedding and trying to make room on my hard drive for the new Scrubs episodes. Wonder if any of the old cronies are still around, might take a bit of a stroll around the neighborhood to see who's kicking and who's peaced out. That's it for now, I'll try to keep this a bit more regular but that is unlikely given the beautiful weather that is soon to be upon us.

ar