veritas

The End, now start over.

2007-10-23T18:26:00.000-04:00

SO. The ape and I are over. I have to write about it because everyone I speak to tells me how great this is for me, that I seem happier.. lighter. Cheers guys. I know he wasn't a favorite, but he was a good guy. Well I loved him. Love him. There was a lot of misery. A lot. Even you guys know, sadly enough. I've been saying we will get married for years now, every year. Okay it didn't happen this year.. next year for sure. That kept us going for six years. SIX!!! I am now 26. Bloody hell. I missed 21, 22, 23, 24, 25. I was pretty miserable during the last. I was miserable when I was supposed to having the most fun of my life. Here's how it happened. No, sorry, you don't get the benefit of paragraphs. Pay attention. I had some training for work, where I - get this - made friends! I actually made friends! I wasn't miserable, I had lots of fun, lots of laughs. I realized, this is what life is supposed to be. Especially when you're in your mid twenties. So when training ended, I called him and told him it was over. I had done this before, told him I wanted to break up, but this time it was for real. Too much had gone by, I was angry about too much. If he wanted to marry me, I said, he would have by now. He had had six years! There was so much promise in the beginning, and still nothing had happened. I had done everything. I was making all the sacrifices. I got on the plane more often than he did, I went to Sydney for a 3 day trip when he was upset his grandmother died. I did everything. OH- you knew this was distance all along less a year, didn't you? I took a job I hated, because well, it was supposed to be temporary. You realize what a strain it is living a temporary life? Year after year goes by the way it isn't supposed to. Because it's supposed to get better, settling for now is okay. I waited and waited for things to get better. So I decided to call it off. He was upset, promised he was coming after me. He had let me down, he had failed me.. himself. He promised. He said this was the best thing because it relieved stress for him, and he would come for me. I said cool but this doesn't mean we are making promises, we are going to see what happens. I wouldn't admit it but I accepted a security blanket of sorts.. kind of like the one I took for 6 years. Knowing that I could do what I wanted but I wasn't single. But something happened. Last week we argued again and he didn't call or email. Until I emailed a meek 'How are you?' on Sunday. He responded with no more, this is over. And he's moved on. He's done. Today we spoke again and I was bawling, apologizing. Why? I had started this! He said I wasn't a good partner, I couldn't be his support structure. He couldn't be mine. We were too different, we both wanted to be on the podium. I am too talented to be his support, and he mine. Seriously. What does that mean? I knew that once he worked his shit out things would be great for us. We would have a beautiful life. We think the same, we laugh at the same things, we value the same things. Who on earth will be him for me? I can't believe it. I can't. I don't want to lose him, but I was so angry with him. First he agreed, begged for forgiveness. Now I am begging. Is it because it's over or because I genuinely want him. I can't be on my own, I'm fucked. What do I do now? Well right now I am going to eat some dinner and do some work. I will return, though. This entry sucks, good thing I am not looking for a book deal and have a day job. Which sucks but at least I can write.

Pulse

2007-05-16T21:04:00.000-04:00

Hello? Are you out there? Is this still cool? New Job, New Car, same old me. No wedding yet but ... this is the year. Really.

So, how have you been?

the scene is safe!

2006-12-27T21:13:00.000-05:00

Still kicking. I recently took a CPR certification and have decided that I will only administer on close family and people I actually like. If I don't know you or know you a little bit and you are a tit, then peace out. Also, if I know you well and have taken you out for a night of debauchery with my friends and you have squabbled over the bill, don't come to me to breathe for you.

There is not much to rave or rant about these days, or maybe there is and I am just out of gas. Petrol. It is just too expensive. Not because of the price of oil, but the lives it has cost in the past, it is currently costing, and the innumerable deaths in the future. I have taken to our notoriously shoddy public transportation system. You know the one, where drawbridges get stuck and stop rail traffic in and out of Manhattan for up to five hours. Where it is either too hot or too cold and those sensitive switches decide to strike against working in uncomfortable conditions. Or how about the buses that decide to combust not so spontaneously? You have to recognize that it is a little planned, I mean when they are not maintained and the thermostat is over the red, you have to know that something is up.

I have been so bored with the internet. Shopping even, I realized that I was the one sending me all those little packages in the mail and it kind of lost its luster. Especially when I had a look at my credit card. I only got upset because I know that I am supposed to get upset at high numbers on my credit card statement. But really, who cares? I mean I know you have to pay for what you buy, but why give numbers, shapes fashioned by ink on a piece of dried wood pulp, so much meaning? You can't actually touch the numbers, only more wood pulp. I guess to take the pressure off of ourselves. Income, home value, net worth is a lot easier to build than yourself. What is money anyway, or even gold, for that matter? You take it out of the bank to give to people as gifts and shit, and you get gifts and shit and put it back in. Or in my case, spend it. But still, you get more shit. The point is that it just goes around in a circle and causes a series of events that also don't have any meaning in and of themselves. Giving gifts on birthdays, holidays. Expecting gifts on birthdays and holidays. I honestly love buying things for others much more than for myself, and not for occasions, but giving something to a person who really appreciates it is a great event. I want to buy it even though it is obscenely priced, but the resulting exchange would cause so much discomfort that I walk away empty handed. Mostly because you can never just give someone something because it is something you want them to have. There comes the whole coy game: No! You shouldn't have! But I wanted to. No! You shouldn't have! But I wanted to. etc. Then the little, flicker across their forehead that goes: Shit, now I have to get her something. Gifts are not really gifts, my dear friends. Nothing that comes wrapped in bullshit will ever be a true gift. So then, what is a true gift? There is always some level of self-interest or satisfaction to be had which classifies it a selfish act. Is there a such thing as a Good Man? Aristotle, care to weigh in on this? Crap, I wish I had never sold my freshman year humanities books. I don't know what I am talking about, I am probably going to disagree in the morning but who cares. It's my blog.

Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?

2006-09-20T22:03:00.000-04:00

I am disappointed with the reaction to the Pope's speech last week. On the simplest level, the violent protests and the killing of the nun in Somalia would lead anyone to believe that there was truth to the reference. Obviously the remarks were incorrect, even if they were quoted, why would you quote ignorance? But why is there such a response? I understand that it is not in a vacuum, that it is part of this overwhelming sense that there is a crusade underway but ultimately, isn't the point of faith.. faith? Isn't this just another test, why is there so much insecurity.. why when we know the Truth and when we have faith and believe in the final judgement do we feel threatened? Why so violent in response, why not try to demonstrate the peace and tolerance and love or any of the 99 traits embodied by the Almighty? Why are we so easily shaken? I say we.. they. I'm not even suggesting forgiveness but why even acknowledge? End of the day, we are so busy destroying ourselves with corruption and cheating and lying nothing anyone says is going to make a difference. At the end of our lives we answer to the Almighty, that is the opportunity of our faith. When we say we believe, that is a lie when we also believe something can threaten the finality of that moment. I dont understand.

The reactions are predictable in the context of poverty and an extension of disrespect and a lack of opportunity. The remnants of colonialism. Religious fervor does not play a significant role, it is merely an avenue to vent other frustrations. Coupled with the lack of education opportunities to know more about their own faith, to deepen it by challenging it beyond their socio-political context.

Mango Acai Berry Green Tea

2006-09-13T22:17:00.000-04:00

Good news everyone! Still alive and kicking. Is anyone out there? Hello? No? Okay, well that is allright I suppose. We all move onwards and upwards at some point in our lives. I have not yet had the good fortune of crossing said point but am comforted by the prospect. One of the coolest things I discovered in my house is this Apple Airport Express, it plugs into an outlet and relays my itunes playlist to a stereo. Endless entertainment. Despite having lived in this country for over twenty years, my father has a difficult time understanding myself and my siblings when we speak in our yankypranky accents. I often have to repeat what my seventeen year old sister says to him not in a different language but with an accent so he understands the english words. The comedy in this situation is in the fact that he understands ebonics better than anyone I know. One evening I was watching 'Malibu's Most Wanted' and my sister and I were trying to figure out what the main character said in one phrase only to be silenced by our father's explanation. He also understands what rappers say, no matter how fast they speak. This is a phenomenon that I will expand upon later. If only I was comfortable enough to post a picture of my father online you could appreciate the humor in its entirety.

I have watched three good friends get married this summer. Very odd to think my contemporaries are at this point but I might as well go along with it. Very interesting dynamics at all three weddings. The first consisted of about 20 people in a house on a rainy afternoon in Long Island. The second enormous and beautiful and high profile in Indiana. The third threatened by Ernesto in her back garden in Delaware. I learned a great deal about people I know and realized that not enough can be said about the idea and ideal of love.

On that note, tea is finished, I will write.

White Power

2006-07-17T22:26:00.000-04:00

So here we are and Israel has the right to defend itself. I don't know what to do. I have been travelling and have only been able to follow it on the news and what I hear this morning is:
"A rocket fired into Lebanon hit an apartment building but remarkably, there was only one casualty."

You sick bastards, one life lost is a victory to you? That life had parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, children. I hate the American media with a passion and if they ever grew a conscience and offered a semblance of honesty, that will be a beautiful day for this country. As long as they continue to be their simplistic, fear mongering selves they will continue to be utterly useless and detrimental members of society. Drug dealers are a greater benefit to our social structure than the US media. FOX and CNN in particular.

More to come, hopefully in less than four months.

peace please

2006-03-10T14:32:00.000-05:00

Hello,

I'm still around. Been running like a madwoman, a lot fitter and work is totally different. No longer dealing with untrained monkeys, rather, they're in pre-school now. Planning a September wedding and trying to make room on my hard drive for the new Scrubs episodes. Wonder if any of the old cronies are still around, might take a bit of a stroll around the neighborhood to see who's kicking and who's peaced out. That's it for now, I'll try to keep this a bit more regular but that is unlikely given the beautiful weather that is soon to be upon us.

ar

A post in November

2005-11-12T17:02:00.000-05:00

But wait! There is more!
Hope you all have been well and happy and fulfilled these past weeks. Hopefully you are still around to even read this. There have been a whole lot of little things keeping me too busy to write. The break has been okay, I haven't really missed this at all. I guess when I am happy and making progress I don't have much time to moan. I mean happy in the progressive sense. I still am in a job I am embarrassingly overqualified for but I am making more money and have transferred to an office where the people are a lot more normal. Normal in the sense that they are not idiots. Still hate the job, though. I have been working a lot more and working out a lot and am getting into some mean shape. In addition, I did some travelling trying to cope with the earthquake last month.. or more like trying to help people cope with the earthquake. That has taken quite a toll and while I would love to share pictures of tenths of families, I was too ashamed to take them. The disaster and the ensuing chain-reaction of disasters are not for display, not for me to document and speak about as if I know what it means to lose everything. All I know is the feeling of helplessness and emptiness that resulted from the knowledge that I would get onto an airplane and return to a world that belongs to an entirely different reality. No images or arrangement of letters could possibly relay this sensation.

Outside of that, there is not much to report. Not that that is worth reporting, but here it is. Trying to organize the rest of my life.. or the next ten years anyway, has kept my mind occupied. Ape is well and his usual unemployed self but that is looking to change early next year. Hopefully there will be an apple-ape engagement and wedding next year but do not want to tempt fate. Just want to get out of this rut and move onto the next phase.

I also thought you should know that this winter I will be sporting a cream white cashmere hat with a red apple on the side.

out

2005-10-03T20:57:00.000-04:00

Okay so I have had a few blog ideas these past weeks but just didn't write. There you go. I have had a few friends in town from Sydney and they have been keeping me well busy and I am now sick from lack of sleep and the changing weather. Well they are all living in London now and came over for a birthday celebration (not mine). I don't know why I agreed to go clubbing as I think it is quite possibly the most useless exercise there is, but I did and ducked out at a respectable 4am, came home slept 3 hours and was awakened by my father to go play golf. I really don't understand why anyone would go to a club, aside from the obvious. I mean I can see if you are a dirty greasy guy, that's where you go to try to grab a bit of girl. If you are a skin-and-bones girl who looks better with her mouth closed, that's where you go to get grabbed and look apalled. The whole spectacle is kind of amusing. People standing on lines that wrap around city blocks for the off-chance they may be admitted to the dimly lit rooms with thumping walls to strut around and try hard to look like they're not trying hard. Come on. Yours truly, of course, strutted straight through via the elusive guest list and went and sat in a corner and just watched. Upon first glance, everyone is gorgeous, fit and rich. Closer observation reveals the fear of being uncovered. I am judgemental. Deal with it. I can't count how many times I was asked, 'What is wrong?' Leave me the fuck alone, I am so thoroughly entertained.

I am so socially retarded it is unbelievable. I met some lovely people that night and couldn't think of anything to say without sounding like a total idiot. My sense of humor clearly is not for everyone and I need to work on it. This one room at one of the lounges that was bathed in the light of our presence was full of East Asians.
One of our crew comes back to report: "It is chock full of Asians and a few black guys in the corner", to which I respond: "There are always a few black guys in the corner."
There was a pause and a polite chuckle. I was too busy revelling in my own wit, as I often am. I need to get out more, but when I do, I come home disgusted. There are not many interesting and intelligent people about. There are quite a few interestings ones, and quite a few intelligent ones; but the combination is rare. So why bother?

I had more to say but my tum is grumbling. Blogging will be more regular henceforth. Kind of.

Oh, Greg Brady was eating at the table next to us. See, I can be trendy.

Goals

2005-09-15T21:42:00.000-04:00

I just entered into a 5K race because I need a reality check. The race is in one month and I used to run 10 miles in under 90 minutes so this is not unattainable, even for a chub like me. The thing is, I have to be dignified when I do it because I'm sure to see people from my tormented childhood and I have to be better than them. Childish, small-minded, but as long as it motivates my arse to get into shape I don't care how immature I am being. I'll have a not-so-soft arse and that will be that. So, C, I'll get your bloody book and maybe do it while being able to hear my heart explode within my very ears. Happy?

In other news, I have still not found a job that I want .. or more likely, the job that wants the apple has not yet found me. I had a chat with an old friend I met during one of the coolest internships anyone can ask for, and he told me to .. shit I don't remember what he said. I think it was something about getting in everyone's face, which is kind of what I have been doing - harassing everyone I know but they all think I'm a joker. I mean, who pisses off to Australia for a year to do a useless degree? That's what they are asking me and I don't have the response timed quite right. Speaking of useless, nothing I am trained in is good for anything. I should have been one of those business students I used to snicker at. They're doing what I want to do and I'm sitting here with my face pressed up against the window. Except they're much stupider and smarter than I all at the same time. Practical has only recently entered my vocabulary and has a direct correlation to my increasing levels of grumpiness. The more often I incorporate it in my thoughts, the grumpier I am. Since when is it not okay to take a trip to 'find myself'? I didn't use the cookie cutter program and now they're punishing me. Stupid bastards, I resent the world they live in yet I want to join it. No room for me, I don't think. Not sure quite where to turn. All I know is that if I stay where I am past December, I may never quite recover from this nightmare.

This great nation..

2005-09-11T18:08:00.000-04:00

I know you lot have been waiting with baited breath for my commentary on Katrina. Here it is. Disorganised, but so am I.

The people who could leave and didn't absolutely deserve the hell they are in right now, they are risking others' lives because of their stupidity. Those who couldn't leave are another story. The inaction and bungled action taken by authorities on all levels is just ridiculous. If you don't think they had enough notice, listen to this clip. It was obvious.

Bush's first glimpse was from his airplane (not helicopter) and I cannot think of a better metaphor to illustrate his level of concern. Then he has the nerve to ask people to donate money. What the hell? This country is so proud of its wealth and power yet at this crisis, this shameless president is asking us to donate? Fuck that, I didn't tell them to squader billions in Iraq. I didn't tell them to give billions to Israel. Should have thought about home first, don't you think? Donate my ass.

The most interesting aspect, to me, is how capitalism is at play on all levels. Wal-Mart and Sam's club managed to deliver 2400 trailer loads of supplies - water, food, ice within days. The first 170 arriving the very next day. The very corporations that are the subject of widespread of criticism for their raison d'etre. On the other end of the spectrum, there were the painful scenes of tens of thousands being forced to live like animals, the rapid decline into gang warfare and anarchy. That, my friends, are the foundations of this great nation. How great it is to be an independent and free nation. Freedom from taxes, freedom from community responsibility. It is the norm to try to evade minimal taxes and then turn around and expect the government to provide everything. The only sense of responsibility is towards oneself, to take care of the here and now and let everyone else take care of himself.

End of the day, my friends, you can understand a society by observing how it treats its weakest members. For a week we watched as tens of thousands of poor, black Americans suffered, slept, lived in their own waste. One week. This is the wealthiest nation in the world with a GDP of $11.4 Trillion in 2004. Per Capita Income of over $40K. This is the system we want to distribute to the rest of the world? We have been advertising the life we live here, but who would want this? Is this risk worth it? When crisis hits, why would anyone want a government inept and incapbale of responding? Isn't managing crisis a fundamental responsibility of leadership? This is the same democracy that protects your freedom to wear halter tops and mini skirts with thongs hanging out and to carry guns. We are so free that the government just doesn't care.

2005-08-29T21:45:00.000-04:00

So Blogger has made a few upgrades, eh? Retard-proofing. Though blogging never quite had an intelligence pre-requisite to begin with. It is accessible to you even if you are illiterate. I don't know why I think I'm above fads. I hate those freaking yellow wristbands. Great, you made a $5 donation. Congrats. Now you get to wear a bright yellow wristband like an asylum escapee. I know, I know - it is all for the children.

Belize was cool. I got to go diving and things in the Blue Hole which is so blue you just won't believe it. I'm telling you, the colour simply doesn't exist. Also went tubing through some caves, which scared the crap out of me because it was pitch black and I have this inconquerable phobia of dark water. I can't even sit in a car at the beach at night. Not that I do those sorts of things, but you know, the idea doesn't sit with me.. sitting in a car staring at the ocean at night. It is just freaky. Ocean during the day is enough to send chills up my spine. You just don't know what's there. Well the really scary part is that you have a fairly good idea of what's there and it's ugly and with big teeth. You can imagine my favourite part of the trip was kayaking out at night and snorkelling around. Fuck that, never again.

The bastards at Houston International insisted that I take my film out of the XRay proof bag and that my film would not get ruined by the machines despite the warnings posted on every inch of wall space. I insisted that he check my film and camera manually. He insisted more, and with a badge. My name is distinctly Arab. I put it on the belt and lost about eight of my sixteen rolls. But here are some of the survivors, no particular order... just pictures. I'll post them with stories if I can be arsed later on.

Mayan ruins in Tikal, Guatemala. This rainforest has had about 700 years to cover a spread of yet to be excavated temples and palaces.

spider monkey

Elderly Mayan couple minutes before said

monkey unleashes some monkey rain.

Okay fast forward a 2 hour bus ride and a 45 min water taxi to an island 650m across.

Sunrise on Caye Caulker, Belize. ... And sunset (kind of).

Nothing like a fast-approaching tropical storm to set the mood for a day of diving. First time in my life I could make out streams of rain in the distance. Do you see it? It's called 'white rain'. We were able to enjoy some lovely sun during our time on the water, but were caught on the way back in. Visibility is reduced to about 6 metres.. the contrast of the grey-white rain and fog and the bright turquoise water is indescribable. Nevermind the loss of direction, were joined by a lovely family of wild dolphins. Idiot Aussies had to make their mark: "Feed them some sardines!"

More to come later on.

Okay this formatting worked when I was on the idiot-proof page. I'm blaming blogger. Good luck.

All in a day

2005-08-08T18:22:00.000-04:00

Today, I saw Tiger Woods play golf. It is another game, he is a genius and I love him. Properly love him. If, after watching this in motion, it is not love, I do not know what is.

Unbelievable.

Tomorrow, I leave for Belize for just shy of two weeks. Anticipate coming back bronze, rested and happy. Happy being the key word. Hopefully will have lots of quality pictures to share on my return. Keep well!

More Tiger

and the 18th hole.

(click on the images to get up close and personal)

A quick one in the morning

2005-07-20T06:43:00.000-04:00

I missed my train and hell if I'm standing in this outdoor sauna for a second longer than I have to. Another day of frizzy, stinky and sticky Manhattan blocks. Not a problem. Job prospects are interesting but I have to be smart and not get stuck in shit again. My connections are turning out to know less than I do about where the 'best' place to be is, and instead are trying to woo me to marketing. Marketing my ass. Though who better to know what people want and need than the apple? No one, I say. Time to step it up a notch and market the apple. Hopefully I'll double my salary, get a place on the waterfront and a dolphin grey S4. Then my life will be perfect.

The thing about this blog is, that I never really got what I wanted out of it. You may say that I can only expect to get out what I put in, but that's kaak. Okay, maybe you have a point. I think it may be my relationship that may be killing me. How do you cope when you know the best thing in your life is going to be the demise of all that is you? How melodramatic. You all have been silent on the mating part of your lives, and I wonder if there's something to that. There's always a chance he'll stumble upon this and that will be the end of me. But then, if he hasn't already, who's to say he will? Maybe subconsciously, I want him to read this because I can't say what I need to and sometimes even want to. Can't bring myself to do it directly so instead, like a coward, I write this blog as an answer to my problems. Onwards and upwards, I say.

update

2005-07-18T18:37:00.000-04:00

So I'm on the hunt for a new job. For something that's going to require blood and sweat and that's going to reward me very handsomely. I don't care anymore about the ideals of justice.. it's a bunch of crap. There is no such thing. Ultimately, all there is to settle, have a few babies, raise them to be the best human beings possible by teaching them the very ideals that have become almost laughable in my late age of 23. Then they'll become disillusioned and start the cycle over again. Forget justice, there is no such thing. There are and will always be 9 year old kids working in sweatshops. There are and will always be 9 year old girls and boys being traded like animals for sex. The filthy rich leaders driving Maybachs down dusty streets lined with beggars who, when they were children, were kidnapped and intentionally disfigured to invoke pity. The shrinking middle class trying to cope with the shrinking flow of cash. The fake boobs and premature balding Jones living next door. No, there's no such thing. The withering old bloke breaking his back in 40C heat will die on a straw mat while I drive by in an air conditioned car, to an air conditioned home and strive to maintain ultimate control over my climate. That's all there is. Justice is nowhere to be seen in this bubble.

Smells like goat

2005-06-27T18:04:00.000-04:00

Where to begin. Ape and I have been having it a bit rough. No not having it, but at it. My mother is very bad for my health. I know this is the typical time for me to resent her, I'll love her when I'm older blah .. but every influence she's had on me has been negative and there really isn't much of a bias in that conclusion. Be that as it may, I can't just walk away.. some bizarre sense of duty and loyalty keeps me here begging for more abuse. Ape, being the heavy foreheaded creature that he is, is having none of it and wants me out now. Thing is Ferdinand is a gem, and although I wish he defended me against my mother, his intentions have been genuine. So I need to ship out and I have no idea how I'll orchestrate that. Picking up and moving to the UK isn't quite an option just yet, and even moving out is going to throw future financial plans into a tizzy. Renting a shoebox in Manhattan for $2600 is just not an option. Well it is but not worth considering. Rather pay a mortgage.. but I digress. Point is, Ape and I should be allright but I have to be stronger towards my mother for my own good. Now how to do that I don't know.

Completely different note, summer is shaping up quite nicely. Amazing how nice it is not to be a lazy sloth once in awhile. Spent the weekend in the city with good friends.. there really is no substitute. I go MiA for months at a time, can't be arsed to contact anyone but they still come to drag me out of the woodwork and we stay up until morning being aimless and chatting. And then when I want to sleep, they sit and play Wish You Were Here. That's love.

My anti social behaviour weeds out the chinks in the chain, can't tell you how many people have dismissed me out for not returning emails and not phoning them when they were abroad in New Zealand. Good riddance, I say. I'm not one for formalities, I don't ask how things are going unless I am genuinely interested. What is it about doing something for the sake of doing it? You can see that logic applying to skydiving, but friendship isn't for the sake of friendship. It's the connection that keeps us coming back to each other. What did Aristotle say about a man who is good for the sake of good? I don't remember, freshman Humanities was a long time ago. Feel free to enlighten me. Hopefully it follows my point. It just is, and when it is, it's beautiful.

Met these two when I was working in Islamabad. They made me laugh there and make me laugh now. Yasmine, complete with stunning blue eyes, is just like me only better looking. She's staying in Manhattan with her brother for the summer.. doing a Master's in Architecture and Urban Planning. When I was five years old I wanted to be an architect and I have no idea why I never did it. But I can live vicariously through her. Milton is just brilliant. He talks and talks and talks and talks and you just have to stop responding for him to shut up. The most astute, generous, charming and sincere person you'll ever meet, with an adorable baby face to boot. He's been married for two years though I have not yet met his wife. He was married shortly after I left Isloo, and then they both came to Boston and froze their arses off. She went to do her medical residency in the sticks of Illinois, and he, after completing his Master's in Public Health from none other than Harvard on a Presidential Scholarshp, is now consulting in a field completely unrelated. I have to brag about them because they're fantastic people and I miss Milton now that he's returned to this rented bedroom in Brighton. I see Yasmine almost everyday for lunch in the park. This was a meandering post, but so grateful for the amazing people in my life. What a cheese.

Wacko

2005-06-13T17:48:00.000-04:00

So Wacko is off the hook. Might as well be. I haven't followed it, don't particularly care. Don't really know what the story is but I guess one never does. I must say, though that I've caught a glimpse of the enigma that is wacko jacko in none other than the beatiful City of Exeter. Is Exeter a city or a town? Anyhow, I glanced over at a passing limo with the rear window cracked only to find a video camera looking back at me and upon closer inspection, I saw non other than that famous ashen face with the unnatural nose. I knew he was in town doing something or other with Uri Geller, but never expected to see him. Only problem is that he has me on tape in a place I have never officially visited. I was in Spain for that summer, supposedly. In fact, I snuck over to the British Isles for some quality time with the ape unbeknownst to my trusting parents. And none other than wacko is in possession of the tape that can ruin my good name.

Summer is such a brilliant time of year. I always extol the distinct various seasons we experience here: bitter cold winters, blooming springtime, searing summers and lovely autumn colours. That said, summertime is where it's at. Of course I'll moan about the 87% humidity and not feel comfortable even after I've showered twice a day but there is this feeling of revival and life when walking in the heat of the sun. There is no substitute for summer evenings, hands down the happiest moments of my life. I remember my last days at university when the magnificent Mira and I sat on the roof of my brownstone and discussed the meaning of life and what to have for dinner. That soothing blue glow that settles as the sun does, cooling the air and calming the nerves. In Sydney, I'd sit on my little balcony with the handomest Staffie you've ever seen resting his head on my toes while I read Tony Hawks' Playing the Moldovans at Tennis. I've decided I'm going to be spending June through September in the Northern Hemisphere and the rest of the time way down south. There is nothing like a Southern Hemisphere summer. I was made for the tropics, there is something so invigorating in the rich colours that come alive in the sunlight and the warmth of the evenings that is lost in the deciduous forests of the North East. Anyhow, I'm in a rare mood, hopefully this sticks.

golf therapy

2005-06-05T11:05:00.000-04:00

You just have to swing it. Stop thinking about it, you don't need to guide it. All you need to do is be aware of the weight shift from your right to your left, let everything else be loose. Everything else will follow. Okay, now what went wrong there was that you held on too long. You tried to hit it. Now just let it go, don't focus on it, all that matters is the next ball. When Tiger hits it in the woods, he doesn't get upset, he just thinks about his next shot and that's how he gets onto the green. Now get yourself out of the woods, all you need is one shot.

That's all there is to it. See, if I tell you to picture a lemon and then I tell you to forget about it, there is no way you're going to get the lemon out of your head. The second you think about something else is when you'll forget. I want you to think of lemons when you're trying to hit this ball. It's not about hitting the perfect shot. Well it is, but you can't be obsessed with the perfect shot. It's better for your game if you focus on minimizing your mistakes. But then again, you can't be focusing on your mistakes. It's not so technical. When you finish today and I ask you how you did, you're going to tell me everything you did wrong. I can't wait for the day you tell me about the great shots, the errors you were able to correct with the next shot.

Now, just get into a routine. Take two practice swings everytime, feel the shift. Forget about your arms and your hands, they'll get to where they need to be. Just swing it. Right to left. Once you establish the consistency of a routine you can't go wrong. Just swing it.

Now see, what a beauty! Why do you look so surprised?

That's not surprise, that's shock.

Yeh, that's the beauty of it. After 50 years, I still get surprised.

I'll get bored without the surprise.

The Emperor's New Clothes

2005-06-03T19:17:00.000-04:00

Excuse me, Netflix, but since when is Pulp Fiction an independent film? Quentin Tarantino is the most overrated director around. His movies are like the emperor's new clothes. There is nothing there but a whole lot of yelling, guns and Uma Thurman in spandex. Yet he has a following, these overt theater types who see meaning in the crap he spews forth, as if he actually has a message behind the anime and swordfights. He is a quack, get on with it. What is wrong with these smelly hippies thinking they're above and beyond normality, everything they do has to be from far left otherwise its not authentic. Freaking hippies.

summertime

2005-05-23T18:49:00.000-04:00

This is promising to be a fantastic summer, with the right doses of laziness and laughs. Hanna is going to be in the city for the entire summer starting next week, living with her ever so handsome brother and it will be great. Hanna is my fabulous friend I met working in Islamabad for a summer, she's currently doing her master's in architecture and is brilliant, funny and ditzy all at once. Mostly, she's just honest. Mira is going to be coming down on the weekends, and we're going to go to Cape Cod for at least one weekend. I've been living in a social desert for the past few months, peppered with spurts of debauchery. Not the evil kind, purely innocent but fun nights out and they are so refreshing. I'm tired of being tired from work and have stopped being a lazy three-toed sloth and it's so refreshing. It is my first summer that it's not a holiday summer - summer doesn't mean anything to these corporate types except that it's light later and that means we should work mote because it doesn't seem as late at 7pm. Not me, though. I'm leaving in a few months and moving on to something that requires more than a dumb monkey. I really honestly don't understand the ego that brokers carry around with them - their job is shit. It's a lot of money for shit, but really you can make a lot of money doing something even a little bit more interesting. I'd take a huge paycut to do something that was mentally engaging.. any ideas? I really honestly do enjoy economics, numbers and logic. But then the hours of a research analyst are often ridiculous and lest you forget, I'm lazy. I also don't want to wear a suit to work which may end up being a decisive factor.
Anyhow, my point was that summertime is here and it's going to be awesome. Lots of parties and things going on and time to return from my sabbatical.

A 'deep' one

2005-05-17T19:13:00.000-04:00

There have been a few sudden deaths in the recent weeks. Well more than a few, I imagine, but I'm talking about the people in my life. Completely unexpected endings -- brain cancer, car accident, and simply not waking up. Now if I explained who these people were, it doesn't do justice to my relationship with any of them. Who I consider 'family' is not necessarily related by blood and while I wasn't directly related to these people, they are deeply missed. Mira's aunt was diagnosed with brain cancer a few weeks back. She went to the doctor because she was having bizarre episodes of memory loss and was told that the cancer had progressed too far to do anything and she would have 72 hours at most. Well, after few steroid treatments and three weeks of watching her painful deterioration, she passed. During those weeks, she lapsed into coma-like states to waken and talk about meeting with relatives who had already died and who 'weren't letting her come'. Then she spent days crying, begging everyone for forgiveness, for not being a good mother, wife, daughter, sister. Finally at peace, surrounded by prayers and love, she left. I have never imagined coming to terms with my own mortality in such a tangible way. What a brave, powerful woman. Salaam khala.

I don't have the courage to think of what I'll say to my Creator when he asks me about my choices. There is so much I could have done and didn't, so much I shouldn't have done and did. When it comes down to it, my everyday decisions define my life in the larger sense. Whether I wake up to pray or sleep the extra forty minutes; whether I appreciate what I have or moan about nonsense. There's nothing to say that tomorrow won't be the last and I am absolutely not ready for that. I know you can never be totally ready for death, but I want to be at peace with what I've done, how I've dealt with whomever I've met. If I did myself justice, I suppose. That certainly isn't the case. I've made a few resolutions on here, I know, but I suppose that's the point of the blog. What a stupid word - blog. If it was called anything else I may have a bit more respect for it. This isn't about a newfound fear or something, it's more along the lines of thinking independently, not worried about what others think while respecting their boundaries. It's about keeping a sense of the world around me and maintaining myself within it. Something about leaving a place better than when I found it.

This is all a bit heavy, and probably a little melodramatic. But really, any day could be the last and then what?

Hookey

2005-05-11T17:41:00.000-04:00

I played hookey from work today, because quite frankly, my job sucks. The reason was 'inflammation in my gums', which isn't entirely untrue but pretty good, I thought.

So on my fabulous day off, I had a lie in and then played a round at my local golf course which isn't really a proper course but moreso a large pitch and putt with the longest hole topping off at around 170 yards. It is a beautiful, immaculately maintained short course open to residents of my uppity municipality. At midday there are about 5 or 6 people slashing and slicing, retirees and the like. I find it interesting how diverse golf is becoming, aside from prodigies like Tiger Woods and Vijay Singh, its average particpants are largely older white guys who have enough money to fork over excesses of 5-6m annual club memberships and 100 per round. Not to mention the background and connections necessary to get into the club in the first place. Anyhow, it is pretty cool to see different people around and as arrogant as that comment is, I have to say it. I mean hell, I'm 'different' but there were never any real restrictions on my playing golf aside from admission to the major private clubs in my vicinity, something I'm not missing at all as I have plenty of semi-private and public clubs to slash and slice in. My point is, its more accessible and the class divide is less obvious. If you want to play, you can and if you are good enough, you'll get noticed. I wonder where the next Tiger or Vijay will come from.

I also had time to do a bit of browsing online, catching up on reading. In the past few months I've lost interest in the news. The headlines are a joke in themselves. Whatever the story might be, whatever interest I may have had in it is completely washed by the stereotypical, aggressive and simplistic tone of the headline. I mean something like Iraqi Insurgents go on Rampage, Kill 69 is such a stupid thing to print. A basic degree of common sense will force me to tell you that I doubt they are not all Iraqis and, unfortunately for your simplistic mind, my friend, they didn't go on a 'rampage' like drunken elephants. Okay that wasn't on a new source I regularly read, but still, I see that on the backs of newspapers on my train ride home and just swallow the hard knowledge that the reader of that paper believes that when Iraqi's, or anyone who isn't 'us' defends themselves it is actually a rampage.

The other day I read in the BBC about trains in Iran having female-only cars and permitting women in the other cars only if they were accompanied by a male relative. On the same day, from the same webpage I read about female-only traincars in Japan because of rising incidents of groping on the crowded trains. In Japan, this change is lauded as a stride towards women's rights, preventing them from enduring discomfort on their daily commute; while in Iran, it is a restrictive practice further evidencing the dire state of women in Islamic socities.

That isn't my real issue with the media though. Well I suppose part of it is - the popular media is a joke and should be forbidden from reducing complex issues to a simplistic one-sided view. Screw freedom of speech, if you're a moron you don't deserve to speak. My real issue is that this is how things are. Nuclear tests. Darfur. Burundi. Guantanamo. Iraq. Palestine. Famine. Poverty. This isn't how things have to be but instead how they are. What's the point of burying myself in it when it is just going to continue, business as usual. Analysing it, discovering truth under truth isn't going to change the fact that injustice prevails more often than justice. The way that things are isn't going to change, Americans are both too dumb and too powerful to make a change and the rest of the world has its own shit to worry about. We want to drive our cheap plastic Hummers and Ford Explorers because we can, and we refuse to pay the $10 a gallon the rest of the world pays for gas because, well, why should we? So why bother thinking about it and creating my own personal hell by obsessing over the children killed in Rwanda or the families destroyed by the Janjaweed in Sudan?

My disgust comes down to everday people. The ones who think it's okay to interrupt someone else in mid-sentence; that it's okay to push someone aside to be able to carry on down their path; that it's okay to push past someone through a door; that it's okay to blow smoke in someone's face; that it's okay to throw rubbish wherever it may fall. These behaviours stem from a deep malfunction in basic human decency. They extend much farther beyond this but these are everyday symptoms. And then there are the women with two rodent-like dogs in matching Hermes collars, with their $7m handbags strutting around Park Avenue moaning about the pollen in the air. Look at the flowers you cow. Where do these people come from? What in your mind justifies such arrogance? Don't get me wrong, I love handbags and shoes and things, and I'm fortunate enough to be able to afford them but also smart enough to know that I don't need them which, ironically, is the biggest fortune of all. I don't know what it is that is frustrating me, this may be coming from something not right with me. Why don't I love this as much as the people around me do?

And how have you been?

2005-05-08T14:15:00.000-04:00

Well, must say I am warmed by your welcome back. Not warm enough to have anything useful to say. My job has become just short of unbearable and I'll be over the edge any day now. I have to stick around until the end of the year before I move onto something more engaging because if I leave now, I will look like a flight risk to my next potential employer. I am still one-quarter way through The Life of Pi as I am one slow reader. Still loving it and still wanting to get through it. My want of sleep still wins over my curiosity. It is already May, can you believe it? I can't. I'm still on the whole, the year has just begun roll and thus have not made any great strides towards anything. Summertime is upon us and my chub still needs to budge. I have bought a new set of beautiful golf clubs and I expect many late summer evenings at my local course perfecting my transformation into a large cat. This is so bloody boring. I'll write soon, peace out.

Zsuuu Zsuuuuuu

2005-05-03T17:38:00.001-04:00

Hello, friends. Are you still awake? Well, this past month has been thoroughly enjoyable for me at least. Spring has arrived and the tree limbs are no longer barren, there is sunlight streaming through the windows until 7 in evening, the azalea buds are on the verge of explosion. And the bloody squirrels are eating my petunias.

My lovely and dearest ape came for a fleeting visit, spent most of it harping and moaning on how much America sucks and the rest of the time golfing. When I returned from Sydney, it was a bit of culture shock for me and it has been an overload for him. Actually it was thoroughly an overload for him and he let his thoughts be known. Still enjoyed his visit though, because of course time with the apple outweighs (in more ways than one) all those grievances. I'm so tired of waiting to be with him. But things are still in limbo, he wants to be a scholar like Buster Bluth.

And so dealing with admission cycles and getting funding puts marriage on the back burner. Unfortunately in our religious context we don't really have the liberty to be together outside of being married. That being said, I have another year at least to focus on myself still have a bit of work to do towards my fitness goals and growing up in general.

I had some deep thoughts while walking to work this morning that have distanced themselves now. I'll get back to you on that one.

So, how have you been?

Free Tibet

2005-04-03T12:14:00.000-04:00

The other day I was standing outside trying to hail a taxi for this elderly couple. I moonlight as a doorman during my lunch hour, you see. Apparently at 2pm going south on Park Avenue, nary an empty taxi is to be found. In the midst of my efforts I was mobbed by a 'Free Tibet' protest that was making its way down the road, and was swept about an entire city block from where I was standing. I literally could not step out from the crowd which was thoroughly harrowing. I was outside without a coat in freezing weather, distraught with my little journey. A police officer, after observing me the entire way, suggested I wear a hat. That is all.

chatter

2005-03-24T19:13:00.000-05:00

Since I decided to be 'positive' I haven't had much to say. That says a lot in itself, eh? I've started reading the esteemed Wall Street Journal on my way in to work, to fit in with all the other boring bankers and brokers who share the train platform during the wee hours of the morning with me. It's not the best writing I've come across, I must say. Work is going pretty well, aside from the incident on Friday evening when three of the dumbest people I've ever encountered ganged up on me spouting things like "Would you ever die for your religion?" and, my personal favourite: "I thought you were a normal Italian girl when I met you, I never would have guessed you were Muslim." There was a bit of "The Qur'an says that you have to kill all Jews!", and of course the classic "Muslims hate Jews." I find myself mentioning my faith on here a lot, and at times it may seem I have a chip on my shoulder or something. Well, I get that impression from myself. I don't feel that way at all. In fact, I think faith is an intensely pesonal experience and don't particularly like talking to others about it, unless of course I sense that an interesting conversation or some new knowledge is just around the corner. However, I don't mind offering an odd bit of explanation to clarify a misconception. I hope I don't approach it in a defensive manner, moreso like the simple information that it is. I actually like to fan out some of my thoughts on here as this tends to be on of my few outlets. I hope you don't mind. You can understand why getting into an argument with a bunch of morons like those mentioned above is such a disconcerting experience. I wasn't arguing, though I enjoyed making them dizzy with circles of logic. The absurdity of the scene becomes especially clear when I describe the characters. One was a disabled Black man, an Italian and a Russian Jew. The first complains constantly of discrimination, demands everyone call him African American and tried to tell my why Al Sharpton is such a good guy. The Italian gets annoyed when people associate him with the mafia. And the Russian Jew is the one who asked me if Muslim and Islam are the same thing. I should elaborate.

Actually, I've decided to sod describing them because I was enjoying it a bit too much. And I shouldn't take such glee in illustrating the faults of others. Have enough to worry about myself. Like that lovely piece of upside down cake I was unable to resist tonight. Let's talk about that. Actually, let's not and let it manifest itself in the extra bit of pudge that makes my stomach that much softer. I can feel it now.

Early this week was utterly beautiful, signs of warmth were all around. Hopes were high for the onset of spring, only to be drowned in the sleet, rain and snow that covered everything the following evening. It's like a cruel game. I'm going to start running and running as soon as it's warm enough not to freeze the inside of my nose. That's a promise. But I'll stop if my knees hurt.

This is nonsense, but it is written nonsense and sometimes this is all there is, my friends. I'll be happy if you have any suggestions on writing topics. No political commentary to offer. Kyrgyzstan has new leadership. I love how every newspaper article or radio commentary begins with: "The Central Asian nation of.. ". I mean, if someone said Kyrgyzstan do you, if they could say it at all, you'd have an idea of where on the map to put your finger. Not knowing the capital is Bishkek is understandable for someone who didn't have Ferdinand as a father. Ferdinand used to quiz us on countries' capitals on a regular basis. This isn't why I remember, however. When I interned at the State Dept, I would be amused for hours by reading the daily wires that came in from all the embassies around the world. They were each titled by the capital city in which they were hosted and it was pretty cool to read developments as they were reported to Secretary Powell. That was pretty wicked, actually.

Bloody hell, I didn't say anything about Amina Wadud. This whole process is so exciting. Finally, steps are being taken to separate the historical context from the actual tenets of the faith and things will start moving forward. God willing.

double negative

2005-03-17T20:25:00.000-05:00

This blog will henceforth be an exercise in positivity. It's a bit ridiculous how angry I've been sounding, so depressed and self-pitying. Bah. I've always liked silver. No more bitterapple. I'll be a candied apple from now on. I wonder how long those keep.

Flying toasters.

2005-03-16T20:26:00.000-05:00

Now this is just taking the piss. It's as fitting as Bush appointing Hitler as Ambassador to Israel. How is it possible that he continues to be so oblivious to the absurdities of his very existence? I can go on and on about the sheer idiocy of this man but I don't think anything I say could ever do him justice.

But of course, this is all cunningly strategic. It's just easier to take the piss out of this man than face the frightening fact of his brilliance. I just don't understand why I'm the only one pulling my hair out. Why is no one yelling and screaming? Everyday I hear something more obscene and outrageous than the day before, orchestrated by the Bush regime. What is wrong with people that they maintain their glassy stares while reading the 'news'? I catch headlines over people's shoulders on the train and wonder if they're just illiterate. They might as well be. What's wrong with me that I sit and moan about it yet don't do anything to cause change? Why don't I go into the foreign service, mesmerize my way to the top and make some lasting change? It's a Catch 22, as they say. I can't pledge my allegiance to a regime so heinous. If I ever saw Bush I don't know how I'd keep from spitting in his face. Such a vile creature. But you have to enter the system to cause change. Doesn't do much to keep beating a brick wall, need to go from the inside. I thought that was what democracy is. It is. So what does it mean for democracy when chronic election fraud is reported? When people are imprisoned without charge or trial? When private records are monitored by the government? When democratically elected leaders are overthrown? What breed of democracy is this? Is it so, that democracy is still evolving? Wasn't Fukuyama hailed as a genius when he said that we have reached 'The End of History'? That democracy is the final stage of political thought? Well I appreciate the offer, but this just isn't good enough.

blur

2005-03-12T10:48:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the days just go by in a whirlwind, a combination of colors and sounds and smells that together create this onslaught that, at times, overwhelms the mind and results in what can only be described as the sensory system 'shutting off'. The processing slows and it takes a heroic effort even to perform the most mundane functions that require some response to immediate environmental signals. The weeks and months and years of self-motivation and what can only be described as clarity of movement seem like they belong to an entirely different dimension now. The 'switching off' isn't necessarily spontaneous, and is likely to be somewhere between the conscioius and sub-conscious realm where the interaction of emotion and mental computation result in the decision to limit intake in order to implement quality control on the product. It is difficult to understand this transition as a decision because it is not rational. Why would I want to limit myself? This leans towards the assumption that this process, though not instantaneous, is undetectable and is only recognized in its final stages.

I am finding myself in this hole where I look at everything around me and no longer see anything. I'm just looking. This realization alone is enough to entrench the 'switching off' and so I need to make a conscious effort to recover lost ground. The whole point is to move forward, to see things I missed the first time around and go from there. The problem with this situation is that if I focus on it, it is even more difficult to resulve. There has to be something of a natural quality to the progress, so much that once begun, it is difficult to derail.

I'm done moaning, I need to get on with my day. This is incredibly depressing and it has to be fixed. I need to just do it and get on with the journey. Ape is coming in April to meet my parents and do all of that. Should be interesting.

2005-03-08T21:11:00.000-05:00

Just realized that it is fairly far into March and I haven't posted. And here it is.

double helix

2005-02-28T18:41:00.000-05:00

So it's been awhile, and to be quite honest, not a lot has happened. It's my first time home before 7 due to the snowstorm that has graced this already cheerful Monday. All I have to say is that I have come across some ridiculous people. I work with this disabled black guy who always makes comments like "typical woman" or, "I know how you women think, all alike" and I'm just biting my tongue for now but I can't wait for the day I blurt out a suitable stereotype to shut him up. I can't believe I'm even blogging about him. I always catch myself thinking about the latest absurdity he graced me with and get annoyed for wasting my precious apple thoughts on him. Ugh. Anyhow, work is cheery.

I keep thinking about Bella's post on character flaws and try to analyse my own. But how do you do that? I mean really do that without justifying them. I think I'm arrogant ... well I know I am but I don't really do anything about it. I don't really want to as I spent a great deal of my adolesence thinking that I was always wrong and, as a result, was quite miserable because of it. Now I largely despise the people I used to admire when I was an idiot. Now I've learned that I do infinitely better when I have faith in myself, and I don't know how to do that outside of being an arrogant prick. I think my self-depreciating humor is a result of this guilt, trying to make myself feel bad for being good. Please explain that to me. Or tell me what I already know. Please indulge me.

This blog is an exercise in arrogance. I keep reading all these comments about blogs being self-indulgent and how this complaint is en vogue. I really want you people to tell me I'm right. How lame is that? I mean is there a worse form of insecurity and bullshit? If I can find such interesting and engaging characters as you all in this weird, twisted sense of community, why am I so retarded when it comes to real life? I met an inventor today and he was just hilarious and smart and I just wanted to go get a cup of coffee with him. I wanted to pick his brain apart. Nothing romatic, mind, he was Canadian. I don't drink coffee, I'm more of a tea person. English Breakfast, if you're asking. I want to be surrounded by people who are better than me but then I either end up feeling pretty shitty about myself or realise that I've set up a bunch of architecturally unsound pedestals and get bored and move on. So what to do? What am I really after? Do I want to feel good about myself or am I more comfortable being uncomfortable? What am I basing 'myself' on - what's the scale? What do I really value? What is intelligence? And where does it live? Isa is a smart cookie and a brilliant read, and she makes it all seem so easy. If you want more examples, go on and peruse down the blogs I've listed. Don't forget Goldfish who has most certainly been injected by something unearthly. Everyone there has displayed ingenuity, something I've come to crave. I hate stating the obvious so obviously.. I want to be so creative and witty. What a stupid complaint. Ugh is right.

Oh.. and what the hell is going on in Lebanon?

Melancholy

2005-02-13T20:22:00.000-05:00

Just finished reading Mistry's A Fine Balance and I don't know what to do with myself. The poverty and misery he documents is something so real, touching on the same sadness that pervades everytime I visit my family and friends in Pakistan. The communal hatred that is actively exacerbated by government fills me with this ridiculous rage .. makes me think I need to do something and that I actually can. My grandmother used to tell me about the year of partition with India, when both my parents' families crossed the border and were subject to some unimaginable horrors. She remembers hiding in a grain truck to cross the border, looking through cracks to see the burnt bodies of Muslim children being paraded about on stakes. My grandfather was a Brig in the army and often took military trucks to prevent mobs from burning families in their homes. This vicious history was repeated not too long ago when a train fire in Gujarat triggered inhumane violence among Hindus and Muslims in 2002. The state government declared that the train was attacked when later inquiry revealed that the fire started from within one of the coaches. The authorities were not only useless, but criminally negligent in stopping the violence. I don't think I'd flinch of those vile, corrupt men were on fire before me.

There are other sides. In Waga, a town that lies both in India and Pakistan and is about 15 miles away from Lahore, one of Pakistan's three largest cities and my hometown, Pakistani and Indian Rangers perform a ceremony to lower the national flags before sunset. Every evening they act out an elaborate display of anger, perfectly timed and coordinated: what the Pakistani soldiers are doing on our side is being replicated by the Indian soldiers on the other side of the painted white line. There are stadium style seats on either side where people come to watch the display, shouting slogans and things as if they were at a cricket match. There is a whole lot of stomping and slamming of the gates once the flags are lowered and it is all wonderfully orchestrated. If you happen to glance at the adjacent field, beyond the tent where invited guests are being served tea, you'll notice a heavily armed barbed wire fence for as far as your eye can see, betraying the reality of parody before you. I've seen this a few times as it is always a lot of fun to watch the crowds get riled up and it's an excuse to get out and enjoy a beautiful sunset and perhaps steal some breezes from the searing heat. The last time I went left me speechless. My cousins' grandfather was also a Brig in the army and had crossed the border a number of times with truckloads of families seeking asylum at that very point in 1947, when one country became two. He is extremely weak as a series of degenerative illnesses have wreaked havoc on his body. He insisted that he walk from the car on his own, his first return since his initial crossing. He watched the ceremony with as much salute as his body would allow and absolutely lost it when the Rangers lined up to salute him. I will dig up my pictures from this and post them at some point though I don't think I could ever do that moment justice. I think it is these experiences that prevent me from accepting my present tribulations as anything more than a joke. People overcome intense trials every single day, all over the world. That's what life is. That stark reality makes my life seem like such a joke. I bitch and moan all the time, but when it comes down to it everything around me is so artificial. I am grateful, but I can't help but remember that none of this is real. The real world is very far away.

Cheers for the recommendation igm. On to The Life of Pi.

Step up

2005-02-09T21:31:00.000-05:00

I've just had my arse handed to me on a plate. I tried my hand at Bikram Yoga and survived maybe 20 minutes. The room was heated to 110F and after my initial bout of enthusiasm I found that staying vertical was no longer an option. A dismal failure, but I couldn't bring myself to leave. Instead I lay down for a few minutes then got back up to try again and again my head said no and so back to the ground I went. I stopped being embarrassed about 45 minutes in as I just didn't have a choice, and I realized that I just didn't care what anyone else thought. That was a bit of a release, but still felt like a total wuss. Definitely not was I was expecting as I used to do Vinyasa power yoga in a heated room fairly regularly when I was at university and didn't think that this would be too different. That was in a room at about 80F which is manageable, tonight I just couldn't breathe. It didn't matter that I am running farther and faster than ever, and am becoming stronger than ever in the gym. In there I was a total loss. So now this is my challenge. I'm going to be so proud of myself if I can achieve here and really can't wait to go back. I will drink about 4 litres of water beforehand and bring another 10 with me. I spoke to the instructor on the way out and she said that there is no room for ego in this practice. Now, if you've read anything that I have written you're pretty well aware that my head is pretty far up my own bum. Arrogance is a familiar term and while I know it, I've come to accept it.. vicious circle I suppose. I'd say that is why I have been able to push myself on the treadmill: I always try to use one next to one of the regular runners and push myself to where she is; or outside of fitness, I am always looking for someone better than me who I can learn from. Stupid and petty probably but I wouldn't get anywhere otherwise. The kind of fitness I'd achieve through this would be pretty exciting. In all, at least I won't be bored.

Poetry

2005-02-07T18:43:00.000-05:00

Photograph by Phil Schermeister

"From Glacier Point one sees a grand contorted display of the power of water and gravity - water the chisel and gravity the hammer, and the sculptor your notion of the originator of all things"
-William Least Heat-Moon in National Geographic, January 2005

French

2005-02-01T20:14:00.000-05:00

What is it about Vincent Cassel that makes him so unbelievably attractive? The eyes? The hair? Maybe it's the French. I think it's this glint he carries sometimes.. just makes you (me) want to be in on whatever it is that's making him smirk. Of course there's no contest when it comes to the ape, who is in a different class altogether. But I certainly am enjoying the view.

aahhh.. brisk!

2005-01-30T20:55:00.000-05:00

What a fantastic weekend. I didn't do anything.. but my parents have been away for a few days and there is this fantastic sense of calm that has settled. No Ferdinand waking me up at 8am on Saturday, telling me to start my day, no mother asking me to go get her things. No one had me do a thing and it was fantastic. I've almost forgotten how it feels to live on my own. Then again, each time I got hungry I spent a good hour or two trying to think of what to eat and getting annoyed there was nothing ready for me in the fridge.. then trying to remember what I did when I was on my own.

Speaking of which, I'm starting to look at places in the city. Ape may be coming over in a year or so to further his pursuits of becoming an overqualified bum, but strong chance he may stay over in England for a few years in which case I'll be more than happy to join him and rent out whatever I may buy here. It's always exciting to plan for the future, and even moreso to actually get out and start looking at places that I may be calling home - all on my own. Little Jimmy is really heading off to camp, eh?

Right, well my meal is ready so I'm off. Enjoy the coming week!

Legal Torture ?

2005-01-25T20:37:00.000-05:00

I heard a compelling argument as to why the Geneva Conventions do not apply to al Qa'ida detainees. Nevermind the fact that I think the context of this argument is ludicrous - the 'War on Terror' is the biggest yellow submarine or whatever the metaphor is, and al Qa'ida is an idea - how do missiles work to defeat an idea? Anyhow, I heard it and it made sense. Have a listen and tell me what you think. I think the most definitive measure of greatness is noted in how a nation, or a person, treats its worst enemy. In my opinion, the hideous nature of Guantanamo Bay reveals the lack of development and civilisation that this nation claims as its hallmark. That, and the dire state of public transport. The argument put forth by John Yoo was difficult to poke through. Obviously I don't want to agree with him but I think the next step here is to reread the Conventions and see what I come up with.

a day in the life of..

2005-01-24T19:32:00.000-05:00

I won't mention that my commute took two hours in the morning and three in the evening when it normally takes under an hour, door to door. I won't mention the outright bitterness I feel towards NJ Transit and Amtrak. Apparently, Amtrak has decided to limit the trains going into NY Penn Station and has rerouted them to Hoboken. This isn't a huge problem for me personally, but even the most basic observation of Hoboken Station immediately reveals that it is not equipped to handle the kind of traffic that Penn sees. The result was an absolutely mad mob scene with rude fucks bulldozing their way through a tightly packed crowd. Next time this happens I'm going to stick my foot out and start tripping some of these self aggrandized suburbanites, bring them back to reality. Forget the fact that the station is outdoor and it is beyond freezing today. Actually don't forget that - my toes were so cold I thought they were going to break off. I wouldn't have felt it if they did. No I won't mention any of this because I'm grateful that I'm home safely, and my house is nice and cozy and my feet are finally dry and warm.

So that was that. I wonder where this guy has gone. I hope everything is okay. Maybe this is a result of budget cuts in order to finance the Lotus. Come back!

Allright, friends. I need to eat some food and watch some newly downloaded episodes of Scrubs. Stay warm.

rebooting

2005-01-23T11:49:00.000-05:00

This is pretty bad, I need to step up my writing. I have been reading some fantastic blogs where the writing is just leagues from where I am. I'm sick of stating the obvious, or maybe stating things so obviously. It's dumb. I know this kind of stuff doesn't come from trying and I will feel even more self-conscious if I try. I am also sick of whining. I'm sick of a lot of things. This negativity is taking its toll on me, as it always does. In its own subtle, malicious ways: the blemish on my chin, my inability to be active and of course, the unfinished paintings that are sitting in the corner of my room. I'm also getting collection notices from my local library where I kept a book out for a month past its due date, and while I've finally returned the book I owe them $40. I haven't even finished the book. Bah.

So for the first time in weeks I feel rested. I know I write about sleep a lot but it's something that I hold very dear. There are few things in life that can make me feel as good as a good sleep, barring the obvious, of course. By that I mean chocolate.
Anyhow, I'm once again turning the page. I've once again bought a little journal to document what I eat so I can stop 'forgetting' and just stop. I'm once again unconditionally committing myself to the gym and going to study Arabic again. I'm pretty happy with work as it is still something new and a challenge, and I'm gaining a bit of confidence. Can't go wrong with that. Will write more, you'll bear with the crap that comes forth and be rewarded for your patience with a few unpolished gems along the way. That's just where I am now. As long as I get better, I'm okay with that. Happy New Year.

In all seriousness

2005-01-20T22:38:00.000-05:00

'What does WA stand for?'
'Washington.'
'What's a city there?'
'Seattle.'
'Why am I not finding any of our offices there?'
'We don't have any offices there.'
'No, we have offices in Washington, I know that for a fact.'
'Do you mean Washington DC?'
'Yea, what state is that in?'
'It's not in a state, it's on its own. Just enter the city and leave the state blank, you'll get the numbers.'
'Oh, right here it is.'
'Aren't you looking for a contact for a client in Washington State?'
'Yea, Washington.'
'Do you mean Washington DC or Washington State?'
'They're the same thing.'

and so it goes

2005-01-12T20:31:00.000-05:00

They knew this before they shocked and awed. Shameless. Farce.

I got on the wrong train today. They posted track 3 and that's where I went. I didn't hear the change in track being announced as I had my headphones on and was settled in my seat as the conductor checked my ticket. I didn't concede the error until about half an hour later when I realized I was about 10 miles north of where I should have been. I phoned Ferdinand to come get me, and he was less than impressed.

My uncle is the president of one of our global businesses. When I applied and interviewed for this job, I didn't tell him what I was doing. I only informed him when I had been hired, and of course he was delighted. I have every intention to use his helpful nod when I move forward, but for now I need to learn. This is all well and good except he came into my office today for some meetings and made it a point to come and say hello to me. Now, the people who were too arrogant to introduce themselves slow and smile as they come by my door, and the ones I work with give me that knowing smile that explains to them how someone so 'challenged' can come to be one of their equals.

"You are a classic beauty, the kind artists seek. I like the trashy look, you don't have that"

That is why the ape is the ape.

Now Billy

2005-01-05T17:38:00.000-05:00

Okay I've been perusing some of your blogs and the activity there is slower than molasses on a winter day. What's the story people? New year has begun, the holidays are over. Where are you all hiding? Get this - the days aren't shorter, it just gets dark early. That doesn't mean the day is over. It just means you switch on a light. Just because I don't have anything interesting to say doesn't mean you have an excuse. Come on, chop chop.

500mph

2004-12-30T21:22:00.000-05:00

numbers cannot fix this

Peace out

2004-12-27T22:43:00.000-05:00

Hello children. I hope you're all enjoying the holidays and staying warm in the midst of this freaking cold. No posts as I took off for a few days and now I'm back, faced with the ever sharpening picture that is supposed to be my reality. No worries, everything seems better when it's set to a worthy soundtrack. Will post when a thought makes its way through the void.

I'm reeling at the collective tragedy that has hit much of South Asia. In a matter of hours so many thousands of lives have ended and millions' more have been indelibly altered. Praying for a sense of calm in all this destruction, puts my own senseless crap in perspective. God bless.

Loose ends

2004-12-19T23:04:00.000-05:00

I never really thought I'd miss university, but my weekend in Boston has reminded how much I miss my friends. I don't miss being at school, actually I'm quite happy to be done but the time I spent with friends has made me so nostalgic for times gone by. Many of them are still lulling around there working and pissing around without the nonsense of college overshadowing 5am 'nights'. The last lot are graduating this year, and will be going back to their random corners of the world and who knows when I'll see them again. I wouldn't miss this as much if I was with the ape, but living at home is crap. Need to get a move on.

Sometime soon, I'll tell you all about how my friends, a group of prime suspects, were pulled over in Maine by Homeland Security on their way home from a camping trip. It doesn't get more colorful than that.

Mira, my partner in crime on our DC trip, gave me a pot of this stuff and I haven't been able to stop touching my skin since I used it. Defeating the purpose, but it feels amazing. At $110 an ounce, I don't think I can afford this addiction.

After all my moaning, I had to take this home for fear of this wreaking havoc and causing this to cancel. It was absolutely lovely, no security and probably took less time door to door than if I had flown. Who would have guessed?

I also saw Ocean's Twelve last week. I didn't think it was as bad as everyone is saying, but it is easy to lose track of what's going on. Needless to say, I was more surprised than most at the ending. The song you must hear is The A La Menthe by Nikkfurie.

straight lines

2004-12-14T21:59:00.000-05:00

I've been decidedly brain-dead these past few weeks. I was a bit stressed about my exams, and the last one passed today without much flourish. I'm relieved, but mostly just exhausted. Still trying to make sense of my decision to take this position, as the more I learn, the more I am realizing that I need to get out of it as soon as I can. On to something more interesting, engaging. I'm naive yes, but I have no intention of overcoming that. There is something better, and I will bitch and moan until I get there. I don't care, don't give me shit about being grateful. I'm better than this, and sick of nodding and smiling to placate the excuse-makers. I think I'd love to join the Foreign Service. I've already passed the exam, but never went through the interview process because, well, I'm not prepared to start defending the bullshit this administration is pushing. I've worked in an Embassy, and I was intoxicated by the environment. There are some seriously smart people around there, the kind who find themselves shaking their heads at the irony of the context of their position and the reality of the situation. I don't think I'm prepared to do what I really want yet. I mean I'm not mature enough, I still think that right and wrong exist. Again, I'm not interested in changing. I tend to find clear-cut and irrefutable conclusions, and am hypocrtical and contradict myself all the time. I don't really know what to say about that, it's just me.

Sometimes, I get this eerie feeling that this isn't real. Usually this comes after a sleep and it takes awhile to remember where I am, to make sense of my surroundings, of who I am. When I figure it out, I get so sad and promise myself that this isn't it. Sometimes I get this feeling completely randomly, I'll be walking down the street and have to stop my thoughts and think.. what's the point, this isn't real. It just isn't. How can it be? I mean the majority fo everything we care about, that we think is important is all constructed by us, for us. Think about all the things that we do because we are supposed to them, and if etiquette or some arbitrarily derived sense of responsibility didn't drive us, we wouldn't do it. Like giving gifts on someone's birthday. I was worried about exams that really have no value or weight in the real scheme of things. Reality is the jungle. The real, living, breathing one, not the concrete, paved, sterile life we've built up here. The one where thing's aren't 'fair'. I'm thinking this is a fairly generic feeling. Ugh, I sound like a smelly hippie. That's not it, I swear.

My paternal grandfather completed a PhD in Agriculture here in the States and went back to the motherland to work on development. My memories are a bit blurry, but suffice it to say he was a high-ranking government official and travelled all over the world researching various plants and crops that would be viable back home. He would always experiment with weird plants in his house, from varieties of cotton to Malaysian palms to whatever else is out there. He and I always planted a mini-field of sunflowers when I was fortunate enough to visit. One summer, I may have been 8 or 9. Or 12. I don't know. Two of my other cousins and I were permitted to accompany him to a rainforest in Bangladesh where he was collecting samples and things. We lived in a house on stilts for a week, accessible by a ladder that had to be pulled up at night to prevent unwanted visitors stopping by. I don't remember being scared when I heard the howls, screeches and whatever other noises imaginable at night. I remember trying to figure out what everyone was talking about, what was happening. I remember being so excited when the thought dawned on me: it was life. This was where the real shit happened. You died if you made a mistake, you lived another day if you were fortunate to have the right combination of skill were under the graces of luck. That was all there was. There were fires lit around the base of our hut to dissuade any of the more ambitious creatures wishing to make our acquaintance. There was also a tribe living nearby, not fond of outsiders but, not surprisingly, welcomed my grandfather. They lived. They faced the most crucial decisions each and every day, the ones that really mattered. I don't know what it was about this that stirred me, and I think that my resentment now goes back to this. The shit I care about now doesn't really matter. I hate myself for it, for considering things that are irrelevant in the long run. For honoring the constructions, the molded plastic.

I am not sure what I'm talking about, but I figure I might as well talk and eventually something will make its way through to let me move forward.

Swindle

2004-12-12T22:54:00.000-05:00

I have managed to destroy not one but two power source things during the two point five years this laptop has graced my life. In both instances, the rubber coating cracked and the underlying wires were exposed and ruined at the point of connection to my computer. Thus the adaptor has forsaken its duty of charging the battery. The first was the result of mishandling on my part. I had this nasty habit of pulling on the cord to bring it within reach, like pulling a stubborn Staffie on a lead. Charming, I know. I learned my lesson when I had to drop 80 dollars for a second one. However careful I was this time, it has succumbed to the same fate. Not counting this one time my sister tripped on the cord (which was neatly tucked under the desk, mind) and completed a gold medal-deserving face plant into the plush carpeting. She is talented on many fronts, it runs in the family. The computer's potentially tragic fall was broken by the cushion of the seat, thankfully. Because the warranty on this power source has just expired last month (and I have long since thrown the receipt), I have decided to swindle Apple and have it replaced under my brother's warranty. This is my confession.

Good Question

2004-12-08T22:35:00.000-05:00

In Kuwait, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld takes questions from U.S. soldiers bound for Iraq. Spc. Thomas Wilson of the Tennessee Army National Guard asked the secretary why soldiers have to scrounge around in scrap piles to find material to armor their vehicles.

Listen to the short NPR clip here.

I don't know what's more worrisome - the poignant question or the shameless, insolent, arrogant and irrelevant response. Rotten bastards. And they have the nerve to talk about supporting our troops.

Iraq Uncensored

2004-12-08T22:29:00.000-05:00

For months on end, these seven independent photographers and filmmakers have worked exclusively in Iraq documenting US troops and Iraqi civilians, resistance fighters and child laborers, imprisoned women and incarcerated youths. Using varied media and narrative styles ranging from photojournalism to first person narratives, cinema verite and found photography, Iraq Uncensored photographers present insights and subtleties beyond what daily news reporting can provide.

Together they will present rare windows on Iraq, the land that cradled what we now call civilization.

LINK

Found on Anselpixel's ever-resourceful site.

procrastination works

2004-12-08T10:08:00.000-05:00

Allright, so I was going to fail my exam today with about 95% certainty. It is the easiest of all my exams but doesn't matter how straightforward the questions are if I straightforward-ly don't know my shit. I pissed around all weekend and these past two days (during which I'm paid to prepare). Had my requisite cram session last night, peppered with a bit of blogging of course. Slept a few fitful hours, not because I was studying but because I was thinking about the wonders of the world. This morning I complete another hour of stuffing information into my apple-shaped head, and have a shower. Notice my mobile ringing, look at the NYC area code and think, 'What a bastard for calling me before my exam. Doesn't he know better than to call me now?' Rings again from the same number, I ignore it. Third time, I'm feeling a bit bitchy. Okay time to relieve some tension. Instead of being greeted with the cheeky response of a friend who doesn't write me off even though I'm quite probably the worst mate ever, I hear a sugar-coated voice on the other end telling me that the proctor is ill, they don't have a replacement and the test centre will not be opening today, I will have to reschedule.

I'm going shopping.

Befuddled

2004-12-08T01:20:00.000-05:00

Am I the only one in the world who doesn't know what 'emo' means? I suspect it has something to do with 'indie', which with my astute powers of deduction I have determined to be short for 'independent' and often used to describe music. I am also suspicious that 'emo' is short for 'emotional'. From here, I'm not sure where to take the fork in the road.

Another prime example of my version of deep thoughts as an attempt to abate the panic of failing an exam. What does such a reaction mean? Does it mean I try to avoid discomfort? But then who is the idiot who wants to run into a wall of fire? Aside from a hero, I guess. So does that mean I'm a coward? Or maybe I need to do this to 'dumb' my brain down to take something on merits, as a problem to solve rather than approaching it as the ominous giant it has become?

On an unrelated note, the spinning instructor had a classic rock cd on today. The last working song, usually the most difficult, ended with a 4 minute jam session by The Grateful Dead. I generally hate jam sessions unless I'm at a fabulous show at a fabulous venue. What kind of torturous human being plays a session with no predictable ending at the end of a spinning class?

GDBO

2004-12-06T22:53:00.000-05:00

Varsity match tomorrow.

EDIT
Okay so the Dark Side was class, and are justly victorious by all accounts. Pfft.
Ape's dearest friend was knocked out in the 23rd minute, woke up during halftime to get up and warm up to get back on the pitch. South African beast. I wish I was there.

Tiananman Square

2004-12-06T13:43:00.000-05:00

That, my friends, is not only poor printing but also a whole lot of haze and humidity. I feel hot just looking at the photos from that day. No, not that kind of hot. Chairman Mao's well-preserved body is on display here in a glass coffin, for the viewing pleasure of a neverending line. I couldn't stop picturing tanks rolling in when I was walking around here.

Temple

2004-12-06T13:42:00.000-05:00

This is the same temple I mentioned below, located in Wuhan. It is the only photo that I edited with Photoshop - I took out a strategically placed rubbish bin and two people who jumped into the frame. My first adventure with Photoshop, are the editions obvious? Is it bad I enjoyed erasing people? For the record, I hate being a tourist and particularly try to avoid taking photos in sacred places. At this particular location, they marketed themselves for tourisits including selling the same shoes the monks wore at the gift shop, as well as film. That and the architecture was too beautiful to pass up. I left the interiors in peace.

Fortuneteller

2004-12-06T11:49:00.000-05:00

He charged a small fee to let me take his photo. I couldn't resist.

Documenting my fortune: I will have good luck.

Perspective

2004-12-06T11:15:00.000-05:00

These fellows were keeping watch over a Buddhist temple in Wuhan.

Just a glimpse of thoughtful detail found throughout the Forbidden City.

Daylight

2004-12-02T17:41:00.000-05:00

I don't have anything more interesting to report than the fact that I bought new trainers. They are great, thanks for asking.

I think of things I'd like to blog during my day but my brain is blank when I come here to explore them. Hopefully, as I get adjusted to this working nonsense, I will soon have enough stamina to command thought during the entire day rather than in fits and spurts as is the case now.

Too many commas

2004-11-29T07:06:00.000-05:00

I am decidedly not a cheerleader. I hate those positive little sayings mostly because I want to smack the people who say them. Sometimes, randomly, I might be in a good mood and glean pearls of wisdom from the ongoings around me. I must stress though, I'm generally grumpy and the more excited you are, the less interested I am in hearing what you are spewing. Actually if you really want to send me into a frenzy, state the obvious. Try it. Interestingly, though, it pisses me off even more to be around negative people. A contradiction worth exploring, perhaps. Bah, consistency makes for a bore.

Anyway, this morning in my spinning class, something stuck with me. A wonder in itself.

'Give it a quarter turn. An eighth. One thirty-second. Doesn't matter, make a change.'

Go on then.

Helping the Helpless

2004-11-27T23:21:00.000-05:00

This is such a great story, and I'm a sucker. So, here goes.

Dolphins Prevent NZ Shark Attack

A group of swimmers has told how a pod of dolphins protected them from a great white shark off New Zealand's coast.

The lifeguards were training at a beach near Whangarei on the North Island when they were menaced by a 3-metre shark, before the dolphins raced in to help.

The swimmers were surrounded by the dolphins for 40 minutes before they were able to make it safely back to the beach.

Marine biologists say such altruistic behaviour is not uncommon in dolphins.
...

It was an uncomfortable experience, as they were circled by a great white shark, which came within a couple of metres.

He said around half a dozen dolphins suddenly appeared and herded the swimmers together. The mammals swam in tight circles to create a defensive barrier as the great white lurked under the surface.

The swimmers said the dolphins were extremely agitated and repeatedly slapped the water with their tails, presumably to try to deter the predator as it cruised nearby.
...

They have no doubt that the dolphins acted deliberately to protect them.

Researchers have said they are not surprised. A marine biologist insisted that dolphins, which are considered to be one of the most intelligent mammals, "like to help the helpless".

Question

2004-11-27T09:04:00.000-05:00

I wonder if having dreams about being active and awake actually take away from sleep. Why do I feel tired after waking from such dreams? Is there something to it or is it all in my oversized, apple-shaped head? Or maybe that's just it. Exhaustion and restedness are largely controlled by our minds or-- is it all physical? Am I just responding to the thought of activity by being tired without actually checking the symptoms or am I actually tired? This sort of questioning could suit a lot of problems I have. I mean, how many times have I gotten a headache after thinking 'I'm getting a headache' because I was thinking that or because I was actually due for one? I am in constant awe at how powerful our mind is and how much it controls, but really, it doesn't break arms. How much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy and how many of our successes and failures are due to conscious responses to events and consequences that take place outside our fantastic brains? I wonder.

Such conundrums occupy my synapses (synapsi?) on test days, and so I thought I'd share this one with you. Maybe writing it here will help me purge the thought and enable me to commit my sparse brainpower to more pressing matters.

Note: I passed my exam, but just barely. I was absolutely convinced I was going to fail because, frankly, I was unprepared and was scoring below par on my practice exams. This doesn't help much in figuring out my question posed above. I guess it doesn't matter, for now anyway. I'm going to go putz around for the rest of the weekend. Later.

Congrats are in order

2004-11-24T13:36:00.000-05:00

I just found out that one of my friends, Daniel from Oz is being flown in for the England-Aus match at Twickenham this Saturday. He's a young up and coming player, definitely worth watching.

I knew a fair amount of the guys who played for the Syd Uni Rugby Club as the ape played there before he was injured. Daniel played for a different club but had gone to school with one of our other friends. One of the most colorful characters was our friend Wayne. He is of Chinese descent but grew up in Trinidad Tobago and studied in Toronto. He is an incredibly nice person, but also a perplexing one to chat with without knowing his background. How many Chinese do you know can pull off a 'mon' ? Wayne was what you might call 'out of it' as he was in his early thirties, married with a kid and lived a life heavy on the ganja. This conversation, among many, does well to paint an accurate picture of the innocence of Wayne.

'Daniel, what do you really want to do? Where do you want to go?'
'I want to be a Wallaby'
'Son, if you really want it and work hard, with a bit of luck you'll get there, I've seen you play. Just keep working hard and don't lose hope.'
'Thanks'

Unbeknownst to Wayne, Daniel had been called up for a Tri-Nations match the coming weekend and everyone had been excitedly talking about it just 3 minutes before.

Good luck this weekend!

Stuffing the Void

2004-11-24T11:55:00.000-05:00

Last night, I watched Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights. It makes me laugh harder every time I watch it because I finally get things that flew past during earlier viewings. It is definitely a worthwhile investment. If you don't find it for the piece of genius it is, I'll buy it from you.

I want to have some thoughts to share, but I'm afraid I've pretty much switched off. I had a pretty big exam last Friday, which in retrospect wasn't that big after all. I wish I had gotten so worked up over exams and essays in college, I would have graduated with a 4.0. Instead, I didn't take anything seriously, as it never really mattered. At the very least, I would have come up with something more interesting to show for four years. After I passed my exam on Friday, I was on cloud nine. I had not only passed it, I killed it. I was on my way home, waiting for my train at the Hoboken station and in the bathroom I came across this little old lady washing her hair in the sink. Her back had hunched over so much that she could no longer lift her head up and was forced to keep her chin pressed to her chest. I felt horrible. There I was elated about a stupid, ultimately insignificant exam when people all around me are suffering. I am healthy, happy; I have a solid family, despite their insanity, and so much more. And I was worried about a stupid test. I know this sort of thinking doesn't really achieve much but I felt like a right ass for putting so much emphasis on something pretty stupid. What's more, I have another exam this Saturday and another in two weeks from then and I will only get through them if I stress about them.

My parents haven't told anyone about the ape because we're not officially engaged. It's not okay for their daughter to have a 'boyfriend' and so as far as anyone else is concerned, I'm single. As a result, I keep getting hints about men I should meet. Arranged marriage is very much a part of my culture and I have mixed feelings about it. If I was single, I'd probably be open to being introduced to someone because I can't be arsed to date. When I was younger, I had the fairly typical rejection of the prospect, but I've since realized that it has its merits. You enter an arranged marriage with less expectations than you would if you were in love, and thus are less likely to be disappointed, and more likely to be amenable. I'm the first one to say that no one should lower expectations, but I think this is different. In an arranged situation, you both have high expectations for happiness but less of a mold you expect the other to fill and thus are more willing to go further to build a stable family. That's what marriage is, to me anyway. It's not about pride and expectations of the other. My parents met in college and had what everyone calls a 'love marriage' and have had their share of hell when I was younger. They've since grown out of it and, despite the random arguments, they get along fairly well now. Many of my friends' parents have had arranged marriages and none of them can recall the tumult that I experienced while growing up.

Still, it's irritating that my parents don't properly acknowledge the ape. They ask about him all the time but when I mention he wants to come visit and meet them, they want the whole traditional package with his parents coming as well and 'asking' for me. Bah.

I didn't have anything interesting to write for this post, I wrote though. Sometimes that's all I can ask. Or maybe I should have just stayed quiet as I had nothing useful to say. Stay quiet. Right.
Enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday!

Rambles

2004-11-21T23:54:00.000-05:00

I know I've bitched and moaned about SUVs before, but that tirade was directed towards the operator rather than the vehicle itself. I think they're wasteful, but I'm a hypocrite in my condemnation as my father drives one (not a Hummer). That said, I think that the FUH2 website is pretty funny, and Mira took this picture in its honor. The driver found it as amusing as we did and was laughing as he posed for his 75mph picture.

I had a great weekend. My old college roommate, Mira, and I went to Washington DC, which is about 200 miles from my house. Despite this reasonable distance, the total mileage of our trip was 596.6 miles. What, you might ask, could two reasonably respectable young ladies possibly be doing to rack up such great distances? I can't answer that question in its entirety because I don't really know. We got lost. Very very lost in and around that freaking city. I made more U-turns this weekend than John Kerry during his tenure as Senator (according to Karl Rove, anyway). We didn't get lost on a leg trying to, say, find some obscure place in Virginia. In fact, between our arrival and departure, we didn't travel much past the Arlington National Cemetary in Virginia and Silver Spring, Maryland in the other direction. I'd say the majority of our miles were spent within Washington DC's city limits. It takes a special genius to get hopelessly lost in a city that is largely organized according to a basic grid with lettered and numbered streets. I volunteer that both Mira are I are kin to this special breed, evidenced by the fact that between the two of us, we took nine pairs of shoes for just one night and an afternoon. Two of these nine pairs are actually suitable for walking. In our collective wisdom, we decided to travel to an unfamiliar city without a road map, and thought we'd be able to figure out an address with our astute powers of deduction. We were right idiots trying to find our way around what felt like Escher's Relativity.

On many occasions, while I would heartily be thinking to myself that we're definitely going in the right direction, that it feels right, Mira would pipe up with: 'Uh, Apple, I think we're going in the totally opposite direction from where we want to be.' Needless to say, it was a very long night.

I'm going to go nurse my stomach, which is sore from laughing. I'm absolutely knackered as I haven't slept more than a total 5 hours since Thursday. Peace out.

the Ape

2004-11-18T20:23:00.000-05:00

Okay MP, you want to hear about the ape. I don't know what to write, but I'll just ramble on here for a bit. The Ape is a 25 year old specimen representing qualities of intelligence, humour, adolescence, athleticism, love, innocence and kindness. This is by no means an extensive list because he is a creature of great mental and emotional depth. Nor is it in order of importance, basically I listed these qualities just as they came to my mind. He continues to develop and adapt so the possibilities are endless, really.

I met him in London in January 2002 while visiting my cousin who was living there at the time. I didn't warm to him at first as he seemed pretty arrogant but then I remembered that I'm arrogant as well. It quickly became obvious that we were unusually well suited to each other, both in our interests and aspirations, and we just got along well. That in itself is a great feat for me because, this may come as a surprise, but I'm not an especially friendly person. Mostly I just get annoyed and nod and smile until I reach the exit. Endearing, I know. The 'connection' as it is cliche-ed was definitely there and served as a wake up call because I had been fairly pessimistic about people like him. I just didn't think they existed. I'm not really one to put people on pedestals, but it was a surprise and a comfort to meet him. This isn't to say I haven't had my doubts and frustrations, but I guess I managed to keep the big picture in mind. Our relationship has been a bit distorted due to distance as we were both still in undergrad then. When we were in Sydney together, it was a bit of a shock to both of us as we are both fairly independent people. I am not at all bothered to do things on my own, and neither is he. The first few months were extremely difficult for me especially: coping with having a 'boyfriend' took a lot of adjusting. I am no longer afraid to say I was relieved to come back home for a month and spend time away from him. When I went back, things were a lot different for both of us, we had spent time on our own regrouping and the rest of our time in Aus (about six months) went by in bliss, with the resident bumps of course. Being apart has definitely taken its toll, but we've reaped a lot as well, I think.

He's now doing an mPhil with full intention to study for another few years to complete a PhD. I'm working now, mostly because the thought of writing another essay triggers massive migraines for me despite the fact that I have a lot of questions I wouldn't mind exploring academically. We'll probably end up in England or South Africa, but the near-term depends on where he wants to do his PhD. He's considering American schools but it's up in the air for now, he may stay where he is. I started this specific job because of its mobility: I don't want to stay here long-term and definitely don't want to raise my kids here and I have an option to go virtually anywhere and be gainfully employed.

I guess it would suffice it to say that I've never really been one for dating. When I was in high school and college, the whole production seemed incredibly futile. Also, I never came across anyone I could stand to kiss. Ape and I will be married fairly soon and are and will continue to be very happy (God willing), but I don't have a dream that I'm counting on. We have some really difficult times and conversations as well as periods of absolute bliss. Nothing substantial has ever really threatened our future, but that's more a reflection of our attitude than circumstance, I think. I guess this writing doesn't really reveal it, but we are very much in love and excited about each other, but don't take 'us' for granted. I am often reluctant to share my thoughts about him because I never feel like I've done them or him justice. I guess part of me also doesn't want to tempt fate. But then, if it isn't one illusion, it's another isn't it?

I don't know where I'm going with this post, but it is mostly written per a request. Not sure what you're going to glean about me or ape or our relationship, what I've left unsaid and such. I'm sure there's plenty. I'm certain I'll revisit this but that will be after I pass my exam tomorrow. Send your good thoughts my way, people, I definitely need them.

the words and pictures that define time

2004-11-16T01:09:00.000-05:00

Ten by Ten is a unique and provoking way of looking at developments throughout the world.

Every hour, 10x10 scans the RSS feeds of several leading international news sources, and performs an elaborate process of weighted linguistic analysis on the text contained in their top news stories. After this process, conclusions are automatically drawn about the hour's most important words. The top 100 words are chosen, along with 100 corresponding images, culled from the source news stories. At the end of each day, month, and year, 10x10 looks back through its archives to conclude the top 100 words for the given time period. In this way, a constantly evolving record of our world is formed, based on prominent world events, without any human input. Brilliant.

Found this gem on IGM's site.

Not all Fascism looks like Adolf Hitler

2004-11-15T22:55:00.000-05:00

This introduction to The Project for the New American Century is worth a gander. It's short and very cleverly done. It is a video - you don't have to read. Go on. Though, I'm beginning to believe that if you don't already get it, you never will.

All said and done, walking by the WTC site still leaves me with a heavy heart. I take the Path to NJ from there occasionally. The rebuilt station is nothing less than downright depressing. I guess I'm still trying to get my head around what happened and the fact that the implications of the attacks are still unfolding, and will continue to develop for years to come.

I was thinking of sharing this before I saw the aforementioned video.

Baldrick

2004-11-15T06:19:00.000-05:00

This is the little Staffie who made me laugh while I was in Sydney. He is sitting on our lovely little terrace, basking in the sun as the cooler weather was setting in while shamelessly brandishing his willy.

I have been pretty frustrated lately, not quite sure why. I don't know if I'm more irritated at the fact I don't know why I'm miffed or the miffage itself. Everything seems so mundane lately, including myself. I've decided to ignore it by working on my two paintings. Simultaneously.

So you can stop waiting with baited breath, I'm proud to announce that I've finally updated my iPod. Now I can listen to great music on these fantastic new headphones that this fetching fellow recommended. I suppose I should include a link to the heaphones, but who can be arsed?

In other news, my Magritte seems to have vanished. I wonder if it has joined ranks with Munch's Scream.

Greed

2004-11-12T13:14:00.000-05:00

I have read that Suha Arafat is going to receive a $22m yearly stipend from the PA for the rest of her life. What was Arafat thinking giving her this kind of money? This may be an unjustified generalization (when are they ever justfieid?), but my experience in Islamic cultures had revealed that women of the family are generally spoiled if it can be afforded. Men are religiously discouraged, or even prohibited from wearing silk and gold, while women are not. That is pretty much the only reason I can come up with to explain why Arafat gave her $1.8m per month. I may be totally off, I don't know.

More importantly, however, what kind of woman accepts that kind of money, knowing the desparate poverty of the Palestinians?

Question

2004-11-12T01:31:00.000-05:00

What is the difference between the implications of prohibiting abortion and requiring women to wear burqas?

My primary argument against a law requiring that women wear hijaab and burqa is that this is a personal decision for a woman. If it is mandated by law, women are responding to the laws of man rather than the laws of God and thus the point of personal interpretation and responsibility is lost. I won't win any points because I covered my hair to avoid getting arrested. In effect, such a law undermines the very nature of the faith as a personal relationship. No one else would lose or benefit regardless of my choice, so I don't know why there is interference in the first place.

So, if a girl wants an abortion but doesn't get one because it is illegal, does this bode any better for her or society? Does her decision indicate successful moral indoctrination? Or is she forced upon this decision because of laws that are based upon a narrowly derived vision of how people should live?

If I wanted these types of decisions made for me, I'd live in Saudi.

Arafat

2004-11-11T05:27:00.000-05:00

I've been wanting to flesh out my thoughts on Arafat. First, I want to say he's an old man, and in the last days of his life and in the hours after his death, the vultures that constitute our media revealed themselves for the animals they are. I thought about this for awhile - why am I so offended by the way they spoke of his impending death; and after his death, of his life? Is it because of my personal bias? Maybe. But then, I never really supported Arafat as an asset to the Palestinian cause. I asked myself, 'What if it was Sharon?' - would I be so offended at the crass handling of his life and death then? I'd be pissed if I had to listen to an editorialization of his legacy, but my personal view of him doesn't change the fact that many would be mourning his death. This may seem incredibly provincial, but Arafat was a sick old man. Let him die in peace. I don't know what it is, but I've been raised to believe that an old man on his death bed deserves some reverence, if not for respect of life, then for his family's sake. Even though Suha Arafat is less than graceful. But especially if it is someone who has spent his life fighting for something he believes in. At least respect that whether you agree with the cause or not, if you hate everything about him. I guess you wouldn't respect that if you hate him. But does my sentiment reflect my support of what he has done? Not necessarily, he has cost the Palestinians a great deal.

I also think his passing is the end of an era of leaders. Now, we have politicians. For better or worse, he was a leader. The kind of support he has after the his amassing of millions speaks volumes about him. Or perhaps, of his supporters. He walked away from a compromise that would have cemented his place in history as a prolific leader and the father of a Palestinian State because it would have undermined the (his?) struggle. That may be read as he benefitted from the plight of Palestinians, something I'm not prepared to argue is untrue. Or, maybe he wasn't prepared to stop short of what he felt he, and they deserved.

I really don't know what to think. People die everyday, people who have led lives that are much more remarkable than Arafat's. But today, Arafat's life and death is being used as a commodity by the media, and for political mileage by politicians who, despite all Arafat's shortcomings, will never live to even realize what it means to fight for something you believe in. In a few days, I'll probably go back to thinking of him as an obstacle to peace, but for now, the end of an era deserves a moment of reflection.

Yes, yes I do.

2004-11-09T22:30:00.000-05:00

'No, nothing for me, thanks'
'Are you sure? The deli makes excellent sandwiches.'
'No, that's allright, I'm not having anything, thank you, though.'
'Aren't you going to eat anything?'
'No, I'm fasting.'
'Oh! Do you speak Muslim then?'

Autumn

2004-11-08T15:59:00.001-05:00

Allright, here are some pics of the fall colors I keep rambling about. I apologize for the poor quality, I took them in a bit of a rush. That said, the colors are spectacular and unfortunately I was too lazy to take photos when they were at their peak. Or even thoughtful enough to take quality photos. What's included here represents the denouement, if you will, of the catastrophe of colors. These scenes are included in my running route, which I haven't graced in over two weeks.

Entrance to my house.

The rear of my house faces this street.. not a bad view, eh? To the left is an exclusive golf course where we used to sneak in and go sledding during the winter and played manhunt during the summers. Now, I don't think we'd be able to get membership if we applied as it is very much a WASP-only establishment.

This lovely old church is one among many in my town.

Ahhh, brisk!

2004-11-05T20:32:00.000-05:00

I just had the most fantastic four hours of sleep ever. The kind where you're just dead to the world, wake up peacefully and are looking forward to starting a new day. Except it was 6pm when I woke up. Definitely feel more refreshed than I have in a long time, even went to the gym. Things aren't so bad anymore. I know you have zero interest in this, and now I do as well. Peace out.

Fuming

2004-11-04T18:26:00.000-05:00

Fuming, originally uploaded by bitter apple.

Okay, here it comes. Some brash statements to follow.

I can't take it - just what went wrong on Tuesday? I am hearing all this analysis about the elections, that people cast their vote as a reflection of their 'moral values' rather than real policy issues. Bush and his party support banning abortion and limiting marriage to a union between heterosexuals as part of some divine mandate to establish a 'moral fabric' to build a culture that loves and respects life. This is what people voted for, they aligned with his adminstration's values. So, while banning abortion and gay marriage reflects values that respect life, just what does supporting the NRA mean? I live in fear of you ignorant, loud-mouthed, malt liquored, trigger happy morons. In comparison to what you have done to our freedom, Osama doesn't even come close.

What happened to Americans and their love for freedom?

Pesonally, I am not fond of abortion. I can't really imagine anyone who is 'fond' of the prospect an abortion. I won't be so presumptuous to imagine what a harrowing experience it is, but can safely assume that anyone who has gone through it would not look back and think fondly of it. Personally, I think it isn't right to punish an unborn child for irresponsible behavior. But that's not the point. You see, it doesn't matter what I think. That is the point of freedom, I can't impose my value system upon you. And you can't impose yours upon me. Ultimately, it doesn't affect me or my life if you have an abortion. Nor if a gay couple wants to get married. There are other things that occupy my mind and time. If you are carrying a gun, however, that can have a very serious impact on others' lives. (I know, Kerry doesn't support a gun ban - but the NRA endorsed Bush, enough said.) A reckless and illegal war has very serious, tangible consequences. A stupid and reactionary color-coded 'terror alert system' also has an effect on my life, and having a Muslim name can be a liability in Bush's America.

I've probably been unreasonably harsh here... but why is something that is so obvious overlooked by almost 60m Americans?

Seeing Red

2004-11-04T17:06:00.000-05:00

IGM, this is relevant to your earlier comment. I came across this link on Anselpixel's ever resourceful site.

Little Miss Grumpy

2004-11-03T21:38:00.000-05:00

I haven't had anything to post about the past few days. Well I guess I did, but who can be arsed? I think I had really stupid expectations of work. And the election, but I'm still trying to come to terms with the prospect of Bush and company for another 4 years so more on that later.. or never. Anyway, work. I guess I expected people in the real world to have it more together. Students.. don't have much to live up to. You can sit around, literally do nothing for weeks on end. Write a few papers, speak a bit of bull, and all is well. Maybe develop a few non-marketable skills and irrelevant knowledge along the way. There isn't much to it.

Work, on the other hand, entails a whole different skill set. Unfortunatley this set doesn't include a personality. I have been hugely disappointed, and it's my own fault and my own arrogance. I thought that people would be witty and intelligent. And that people would think before they speak. I thought I'd be the dumb one in the group but that's not proving to be the case. I'm really disappointed. This is really bad stuff to say out loud so I'm saying it here. I know, I'm not exactly Little Miss Have It Together, but I generally stumble in the right direction. I was looking forward to a professional environment where people strive and are challenged and challenging. Everywhere I look, I see complacency. Granted this is the very initial training and everyone who is joining the huge organisation starts off here so a lot of different fields are lumped together, I won't necessarily be with these people later on. So I should stop whining. Did I really expect such a generative environment?

In truth, I'm really excited about starting to work. I know, it's not cool to be excited to work. I know, I'm just naive. Yes, thanks. The thing is, I sometimes stumble across really remarkable people who are remarkable for different reasons, but they are interested and engaged in whatever they're doing. Where do these people breed? I'm sick of being bored out of my mind. The ape is in freaking England and we're going to be apart for at least a year, aside from visits. I've read some really interesting blogs on here, but limited in opportunity to pick brains. What happened to the art of conversation? Did it ever really exist? I hate hearing the obvious over and over again. Just like I hate those stupid logo bags. If you are going to charge a $800 vinyl or cloth bag that has the letter G plastered about, you might as well get a T-shirt that says 'I'm original' so the rest of us aren't left with any doubt. Better yet, tattoo it on your forehead so as not to cause any confusion on laundry day. Grow an imagination. I'm most definitely in the wrong field, this is hardly the breeding ground of creativity. So where do I find the balance?

Right, my writing ability has gone to the shitter. Sorry my brain is scrambled. I haven't been getting any sleep and that is probably my highest priority after chocolate, of course. I'll be better soon, but until then I leave you with this mess.

And a word on the election

2004-11-03T13:47:00.000-05:00

I honestly hope that I'm wrong about Bush, and that his and his administration's motives aren't as sinister as I suspect. So disappointed, I thought we were better than this.

(un)veiled threat

2004-11-01T22:05:00.000-05:00

"If you vote for Nader, I'll rip your ears off."
- the ape

Blah

2004-11-01T19:30:00.000-05:00

I started work today. I'm too tired to post the pictures I uploaded. They're pretty kaak anyway, the camera is crap.. it's probably the operator.

Today was one giant bore. They spent the morning explaining the structure which seemed redundant because if we were going to be working there, we should already know the information. I hope. The afternoon was spent going through paperwork and I came away with the knowledge that I am probably going to be bored with this very soon. The people there didn't have a scooby. If that is what I'm up against, I'll be sailing through. Not to sound like the arrogant jerk that I am. But really, shut up and listen to the HR lady explain the benefits the first three times she describes the scheme before you ask a question. The fun part is that my training is way downtown for the next two months and that means it's close to loads of overpriced shops. Excellent.

I am so sleepy. I spent about two hours searching for my stupid passport last night, whiich ended up being exactly where I knew it was only missed it the first seven times I looked. Sleeping at 1 and getting up to fast a 430 really kills your REM sleep. This post is possibly my worst one ever. Goodnight, chiildren.

WMD

2004-10-28T13:02:00.000-04:00

So I went to revive my golf game today, which I discovered is stable but doctors recommend that it stay in the ICU for another night for close observation. The drive was probably more remarkable than the game itself, the trees are changing colors and everything was on fire. That and there were loads of smashed up deer parts on the side of the road. Gross.

On my way back home, I was almost swiped by this prick who was flying in his Escalade. I'm not normally one to to get worked up over moronic drivers, even when they are aggressive. It's just not a healthy state of mind living in the land where guidos breed. I try not to dwell on morons in general, but sometimes I just have to laugh.. or cry. This particular tosspot had a big W '04 sticker on the rear windshield that made me hate him and Bush about ten times more. If it is indeed possible to multiply infinity by ten. The thing is, when you're speeding and weaving in and out of lanes there's a graceful way to go about it, even in an SUV. We've all seen the dark horse that just dances through traffic. The speed limit on this particular road is 65 but everyone travels at 80mph pretty comfortably. W was easily exceeding 100 and he was changing lanes so abruptly that he had to fight his truck to keep from swaying. His driving resembled that of a cockroach succumbing to the effects of RAID rather than the strides of a stallion. Too much? Probably.

Now, I'm no granny on the road, but I'm not an idiot either - this guy was just dangerous. He went careening past, leaving me with a glimpse of an early-40s balding Bush supporter who needed to overcompensate for his own insecurities by risking the lives of everyone around him. Few miles down the road, a police car was just pulling over a black family in a beat up old Cadillac. He had to have seen the bald Escalade fly by. It's good to know that our police prioritize giving some old black guy a ticket for a broken tail light rather than checking the extremist recklessly wielding a 3.5 ton weapon. That whole scenario was twisted on so many levels.

[Sidenote: I don't hate SUV's, he could have been driving anything and would still have been a prick. If you buy an SUV, your decision is rewarded by expensive gas costs and other taxes that make your choice an expensive one (unless you take advantage of Bush's tax loophole ). Just don't be an asshole about it.]

Eclipse

2004-10-27T22:37:00.000-04:00

During totality, when the moon is completely immersed in shadow, it might turn red, the result of Earth's atmosphere bending hints of all the world's sunrises and sunsets simultaneously onto the moon while the sun's primary light is blocked.

But on your tiny planet, my little prince, all you need to do is move your chair a few steps. You can see the day end and the twilight falling whenever you like...
"One day," you said to me, "I saw the sunset forty-four times!"
And a little later you added:
"You know - one loves the sunset, when one is so sad..."

The Little Prince
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Dervishes

2004-10-27T16:43:00.000-04:00

Why does the melody of the reed flute move us? Because holes have been cut in its heart, permitting it to cry. Only when a human heart has been emptied of false apprehensions and made hollow like the reed, can one play one's own melody.

These photos were meant to accompany this post. This ceremony is normally a very intimate, a spiritual observance sometimes performed in the presence of few invited guests. This particular observance was performed in a fairly large auditorium, and thus lost the intimacy it would otherwise convey. That said, sorry for the poor quality photos, they were taken in a bit of a rush with a camera I wouldn't recommend.

All day and night, music,
a quiet, bright
reedsong. If it
fades, we fade.
Mawlana Jalaluddin Rumi (1207-1273)

Bloomin

2004-10-26T18:46:00.000-04:00

Bloomin, originally uploaded by bitter apple.

More pictures.

This cactus belonged to the crazy lady who lived across the lane from me in my lovely Sydney suburb. According to crazy lady, this bloom occurs just once.. so I figured I might as well snap it while it was there.

Then again, she has sent money in response to some mail scam about investing in an account in Nigeria. She has done this more than once and has not seen any returns, yet continues to send money. She also once came out and informed the ape, who was waiting in the car, that I was probably a teacher involved in a strike that was going on at the time. There was absolutely nothing that made sense about that conclusion. She is a nutter. So maybe this thing blooms once a month.

Oh dear

2004-10-26T13:38:00.000-04:00

"It's full of Democrats and Republicans, the others only have Democrats. We don't take any position at all," Mr Murdoch said in response to a question about Fox's impartiality.

"We're not in the least bit biased, we're a fair and balanced company."

Murdoch: Fox News does not favour Bush.

I think he's missing the point: it's not whether you have Republicans or Democrats on your staff. Not only does that make it sound like those are the only two possibilities for political alignment, but it's about the language and nuances you use to present information. I can't believe that the importance of language isn't touched upon more often - using the word 'liberator' has different connotations than 'troop'. This rabid nationalism, or jingoism as a friend put it, that is displayed by our media is insulting.

The scariest part here, as Albright pointed out, is that they (the administration and their talking heads) actually believe what they say. This isn't a charade - it's worse.

The punch line is that Fox News makes CNN look like an objective source of information.

More plaster, please

2004-10-26T13:18:00.000-04:00

The Bush administration intends to seek about $70 billion in emergency funding for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan early next year, pushing total war costs close to $225 billion since the invasion of Iraq early last year, Pentagon and congressional officials said yesterday.
....
On top of paying the wages of the all-volunteer force (What kind of wages does an all-volunteer force receive?) and the contractors, the military has paid for building dozens of bases and keeping a high-tech force equipped with computers, communications gear and expensive modern weaponry.
....
Yale University economist William D. Nordhaus estimated that in inflation-adjusted terms, World War I cost just under $200 billion for the United States. The Vietnam War cost about $500 billion from 1964 to 1972, Nordhaus said. The cost of the Iraq war could reach nearly half that number by next fall, 2 1/2 years after it began.

They have to be taking the piss. This will most likely be kept subdued until after the elections, I wonder why it isn't plastered about by Kerry's campaign. Isn't this in itself an admittance of the quagmire they're in? Living in oblivion must be fun. But as Secretary Albright said last night on Jon Stewart, I prefer this universe to the parallel one the administration is trying to create. Did Stewart really recommend that she try a bong and a Grateful Dead album?

Found this Washington Post article on Anselpixel's site.

Procrastination

2004-10-26T01:35:00.000-04:00

For those of you that have time on your hands.. or have things to do, this will help.

Found it on zoe's site.

Should

2004-10-25T20:42:00.000-04:00

I've noticed recently that a lot of our lives are governed by should's. We all have ideas of what our partner 'should' be like, what our status 'should' be, what we 'should' do. Interesting to think about the ideals that we live by that define our 'should's. I mean really, what happened to Yoda's 'do or do not, there is no try'. Just get on with it.

This post isn't really going anywhere, and I've been taking the easy way out with posting pictures lately and I want to get back into thinking. I'm actually rationing my mental energy this week. Yes, that's it. I'm stupid now so I can be smart later. Do you see how that works? I'm only stupid on here, you see.. when I'm out and about, that's when the lights go on. Right this is nonsense. I'm going running. Late.

Rolling Bridge

2004-10-25T19:21:00.000-04:00

Rolling Bridge, originally uploaded by bitter apple.

This is just too cool.

'How it works is the extraordinary aspect of it', designer Thomas Heatherwick

Article

in NY Times Magazine

Surfer chick

2004-10-24T20:27:00.000-04:00

surfer chick, originally uploaded by bitter apple.

This is me learning to surf at 6am on Manly Beach in North Sydney. Notice the instructor is carrying my board.

Never quite worked up the courage to pull a stunt like this.

Surfer, originally uploaded by bitter apple.

Jon Stewart

2004-10-23T22:54:00.000-04:00

I know I'm behind the times on this, partly because I can't bring myself to stomach TV that doesn't feature Friends reruns, but you can watch Jon Stewart on CNN's Crossfire here. Finally, someone calling the 'news' the theater that it is. Blah.

Byron Lighthouse

2004-10-23T15:38:00.000-04:00

Lighthouse, originally uploaded by apple.

The lighthouse at Byron Bay is marked as the easternmost point of Australia, nevermind the fact that you can see a small island a few miles out to sea from the location of the staked claim.

Endless Coast

2004-10-23T15:36:00.000-04:00

Endless Coast, originally uploaded by apple.

Okay I take that back about the previous photo being my favorite. This was taken on the last day of a roadtrip returning to Sydney from Noosa. Byron Bay, the ultimate hippie town, was a bit of a rainy disappointment following the glorious Sunshine coast. This scene was more humbling than can possibly be expressed here, so I will just let you imagine the salty air whipping through your hair while being mesmerized by the rhythm of the waves. Australia may be a quirky place, but the geography is absolutely amazing.

Still Celebrating 2000

2004-10-23T01:51:00.000-04:00

Inexplicably, we have about 3 boxes of these plastic cups that say 'Celebrate 2000!'. Regardless of how often we try to use them for barbeques, and send them with my brother and sister to their respective school functions where they dutifully sign up to bring the cups, our supply of these cups is neverending. Despite the fact that my brother and sister share a unique last name in a small school, some teachers have only realized that they are siblings by recognizing these cups. I even had a supply at university in which my flatmates happily mixed their rum and cokes. I think we still have an unopened box of these cups lurking in the garage somewhere. So, if you happen to be in the market for cups to celebrate the milennium, you know who to call.

Circular Quay, Sydney

2004-10-22T10:57:00.000-04:00

Circular Quay, Sydney, originally uploaded by apple.

These fellows were kicking up quite a storm at Circular Quay in Sydney. One of my favorite photos.

Ralph Nader

2004-10-21T23:02:00.000-04:00

I don't know about Ralph Nader. Everything I learn about him represents qualities that I want in a leader. He is overwhelmingly stubborn about his candidacy despite so many calls for him to endorse Kerry. I don't think it is about ego. The guy doesn't strike me as egotistical. I think he sees his candidacy as more than a bid for the presidency; he sees it as a fight for democracy. I don't know. Kerry is really not much better than Bush. The 20-something Kerry who spoke out against the Vietnam War showed some promise, but now, he's just as bad as the rest of them. I think maybe having Bush in office for another 4 years won't be all that different from Kerry. Maybe there is a greater battle to be won, maybe supporting Nader will bring us closer to the demise of this two party system. I received this sample ballot in the mail and when I was looking at it, I got a little excited. I'll enjoy not voting for Bush and his council of power-mongering racist shits. But is Kerry all that deserving? He seems a little more, well sane, but he's going to push an agenda similar to Bush's, albeit in a more polite way. Maybe it has to get worse before it gets better. Nader gives credence to the role of a public servant. Did you forget that that's the most fundamental role of the President? I did. He is elected to serve his country. The mainstream candidates are serving themselves. I know these thoughts are disorganized, but I just don't know. Do I vote for Kerry because I hate Bush? Do I vote for Nader for the sake of the system, for another nudge towards a real democratic system where we choose our leaders from more than two viable options? Does it matter?

World On Fire

2004-10-21T16:23:00.000-04:00

Watch this.

Sharks

2004-10-21T09:16:00.000-04:00

Sharks

This photo by Doug Perrine has earned him the title of Wildlife Photographer of the Year. Amazing, eh?

You can see some of the other photos in the competition here.

Penguins

2004-10-20T22:57:00.000-04:00

I feel (and look) like this penguin. Go ahead. Poke me.

On a side note, I have been party to the theft of a blow-up penguin from outside this Discovery type store in the Centrepoint mall in Sydney. The one who stole is a professional rugby player who ran through the shopping center with a giant blow up penguin tucked under his arm. Curiously, no one tried to stop him. A Wallaby stole a penguin. Heh.

enter at own risk

2004-10-20T21:57:00.000-04:00

I want to tear my hair out. I'm getting pissed when I'm loading web pages and the little blue highlight line stalls for even a moment while bringing images and information to my screen at the speed of light. I am so bloody impatient. I don't want to explain anything more than I already have. I don't want to hear shitty music. I don't want to hear loud, stupid girls laughing in annoying voices at their loud, stupid selves. Don't be melodramatic. I don't want to suffer through conversations I have absolutely no interest in. I don't want to hear anyone chew food or gulp down liquid. When you park on a busy street, stop being an idiot for just a second and look to see if you are about to open your car door into traffic. Baseball doesn't matter. Don't greet me with 'how are you?' when you are going to talk about yourself anyway. Hold your child's hand as she navigates her way down steep, cement steps. Moron. Don't drive a 5L SUV with a yellow 'Support our Troops' sticker. If you want to support our troops, drive a hybrid. You don't need to state the obvious.

PMT you say? Yes. Congratufuckinglations.

Anybody but Bush

2004-10-19T21:04:00.001-04:00

I don't think it is necessary to dissect this as I have done previous issues. Naomi Klein (No Logo) doesn't need me to elucidate what she has already made so simple.

...there is something about George Bush's combination of ignorance, piety and swagger that triggers a condition in progressives I've come to think of as Bush Blindness. When it strikes, it causes us to lose sight of everything we know about politics, economics and history and to focus exclusively on the admittedly odd personalities of the people in the White House.

This madness has to stop, and the fastest way of doing that is to elect John Kerry, not because he will be different but because in most key areas - Iraq, the "war on drugs", Israel/Palestine, free trade, corporate taxes - he will be just as bad. The main difference will be that as Kerry pursues these brutal policies, he will come off as intelligent, sane and blissfully dull. That's why I've joined the Anybody But Bush camp: only with a bore such as Kerry at the helm will we finally be able to put an end to the presidential pathologising and focus on the issues again.
...

Under a Kerry government, the comforting illusion of a world united against imperial aggression will drop away, exposing the jockeying for power that is the true face of modern empire. We'll also have to let go of the archaic idea that toppling a single man, or a Romanesque "empire", will solve all, or indeed any, of our problems. Yes, it will make for more complicated politics, but it has the added benefit of being true. With Bush out of the picture, we lose the galvanising enemy, but we get to take on the actual policies that are transforming all of our countries.

This is really worth a read, don't just go with what I considered to be most poignant. The column can be found in its entirety here at The Guardian. Enjoy.